I'm happy.
There were times I was happy, of course! It wasn't all bleak and sad... But if you ask anyone that's ever known me, they'd tell you it's just how I was.
The first time I ever felt differently was when I moved to the east coast. I lived in Virginia and North Carolina. I was only in NC for a month, but there was something about it that felt different. Once I moved away, everything in me wanted to go back! It's all I ever really talked about.
It wasn't until I've gotten older and more in tune with energy balances that I realized what it really was.
I moved back to Utah for a boy, got my heart broken. Met someone else, got married and divorced, and still struggled with always being down. Always underlyingly depressed. It's easy to put on a mask. To hide how we're really feeling inside. People do it every day. No one wants to hang around someone that's gloomy and negative- so I faked it. But deep down there was always that feeling of sludge running through my veins. Simple things like getting out of bed and getting ready we're challenging. It took a lot of emotional energy to force myself to do it.
After my divorce I met a friend that lived in Seattle. I started flying out every other weekend, because I felt different there. My situation hadn't changed, but the energy of the place was magical. I started noticing an internal shift every time I'd fly back. Most people associate it with the situation, but I knew it wasn't. For the first time since North Carolina, I felt alive. No more sludge. That's when I started really looking at it. Really paying attention to my energy.
I moved to Seattle, and I haven't been depressed since.
Don't get me wrong... I have struggled more than I ever have my entire life! My family and everyone I knew was 900 miles away. Finding a permanent job has been a nightmare. Contract and travel nursing can only do so much... My son and I moved here with essentially what could fit in my car. I slept on the floor for 4 months. Then an air bed, a futon and finally a real bed. Slowly acquired "stuff". And subsequently lost it all. Ended up homeless.... But never did I FEEL depressed. Not once did I have the urge or the desire to end it all and stop fighting. I was still genuinely, undeniably happy.
Started getting back on our feet, and the rug has been pulled out again. Back to square one. Or zero. Or negative one. On the verge of losing everything again for a second time. No job. My tax return that would've paid rent through the end of my lease was garnished by a school loan company, (thanks UHEAA). My landlords are impatient but the property managers are trying to delay things as much as they possibly can... but it's really out of their control.
I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost and scared and defeated.
Because damnit, I work hard! I'm a fighter and do what it takes to make sure my son and I are ok!
I've never been able to get government assistance- so those that abuse the system absolutely blow my mind. Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe I'm too motivated to succeed. Maybe I'm just too white. Putting down my pride and admitting I even needed the help was hard enough. Being turned away is frustrating. I don't want it, I NEED it. This is just Maslow shit... Not cigarettes and soda!
Instead of being encouraging though, all anyone ever says is that I should give up. Go back and live with my family "until I get on my feet" then move back.
News flash: I wasn't on my feet while I was there! In fact, I was spiraling so far down that if I didn't get out when I did, I wouldn't be here writing this today.
Literally.
The difference between there and here is how I feel.
Why would anyone want to be in a toxic environment that makes them feel so sick and sad and suicidal every day??!
I love Utah. I love the culture, the people, parts of the landscape. I can appreciate it for what it is. All I know is that the latitude and longitudinal placement of it absolutely drains me. Having help with Jaiden is the only plus of going there. I'd rather eat a bullet than go back.
I've tried to explain it to some people. Why moving back there isn't an option for me... But unless you've felt that difference, no one will ever understand it. I don't even understand it, I just know that I'm happy and I'd prefer to remain happy. Even if that means losing everything and struggling and being homeless and broke.
I'm happy.
So if you really love me and want to support me, do it. Support me in being selfish enough to take care of my emotional stability and well being. Encourage me to continue fighting, not to give up and run away. Respect me enough to try and understand that I don't EVER want to feel the way I have 95% of my life again... And for whatever reason, that's how I feel there and that's NOT how I feel here.
I'm happy.
