The Spider

After a very intense night of meditation and cleansing with a shaman- a night of releasing attachments at the source of fear- I had the most beautiful experience. 

The next morning after getting in my car, I noticed a small spider on the outside of my driver side window. It was small, maybe the size of a nickel with its legs fully extended.  White and yellow in color- very similar to the citrine crystal around my neck. 

As I started driving I watched it cling to this one strand of web as tight as it could with all 8 legs- whipping back and forth in the wind as the car accelerated. I remember thinking- 'we're going to get on the freeway soon little one. You won't be able to hold on much longer. Let go. Get off while you can!' 

At the stop light I watched it place several more anchors of web onto the window. Scrambling to get them down as quickly as possible. And as I accelerated, I watched it hold on to 4 strands instead of one as it desperately tried to anchor down and hang on. 

One more block and I knew we'd be at the freeway on-ramp. 'Ready or not little one', I felt myself say. It whipped back and forth harder and harder, hanging on as tight as it could as the car sped up until finally all of the attachments broke free of the window and the little spider spiraled off into the unknown. 

Just like the little spider, I find myself trying to put down anchors, to hold myself down in places I actually want to let go of. I catch myself creating more blockages to clear. And find myself saying "just let go little spider, it'll hurt less." 

One way or another, the universe will send me spiraling into the unknown :) 

Birthday Blues

Birthdays are a huge deal. Probably the biggest; most important day of the year. You could forget an anniversary, Valentines day, Christmas... but birthdays are important to me.

I. LOVE. BIRTHDAYS.

I can't really explain why they mean so much to me honestly. I remember growing up enjoying them- except for the shared birthday party with my cousins on my dads side (I was NOT the favorite and the 2 cousins I shared with most certainly were.)

Maybe I love them because its a day to celebrate our existence. A celebration of Life and how/why we are important to others in theirs. A way to honor and express that appreciation to the "birthday kid" that so often doesn't get spoken of until someone dies. I know we really dont think of them this way. Birthdays become about presents and parties. They focus on a number instead of attaching a value. They are more about the party and the stuff than the person they are in celebration of.

Most people hate birthdays, but then again, most people hate life and themselves too. I used to as well, but now I prefer to celebrate myself and the anniversary of my existence.

This year I couldn't wait for my birthday. I had so many great plans and was looking forward to making incredible memories with some really important people in my life. Then within 6 days I watched everything fall apart. Plans I had made fell through. People I was looking forward to spending time with, cancelled. Everytime I'd try to make new plans, something else was there to prevent it from happening. On top of it all- my extremely small circle of friends, got smaller. People I considered part of my inner circle- my closest; most trusted friends- dropped me off of facebook with no explaination as to why.

By 3 days until birthday, I had 2 friends bail out on their trips up here, 4 friends remove me as their friend, 4 adventures/dates/plans cancelled, and declinations from nearly every other person I cared about showing up to the last minute party I attempted to put together for myself. Clearly, this was going to be a party spent utterly and completely alone. Awesome.

By 2 days until birthday, I began reaching out to friends I trusted- just needing to talk- to process the whirlwind of events that came through...To just reflect out loud the sheer amount of loss and rejection I had just experienced. Naturally though, not one of them could find time for me. There wasn't a single person in my life that could find time for tea and a conversation.

Totally

Completely

Entirely

Utterly

Alone.


The day before my birthday I began asking myself, "How pathetic am I? I have so many friends and no one around. How sad is it that the only person I can call and talk to about anything, anytime, for any reason- is my ex-husband?"

Then, instead of a birthday party, I threw myself in a pity party- I was going to be alone anyways, so i made it epic.

I pitied myself because everyone I love... all of my friends, aquaintences, and everyone close to me, all HAVE those friends. They all have A best friend- as a partner, a lover, their girls, a homeboy etc. But me? Pfffft...Loser!! A-LOOOOONE! No girlfriend, no partner, and at the present time, no available friends... just a puppy and a baby- neither of which were helpful in this particular situation....

All of my girls are married, have families and lives of their own... sure sometimes we talk and catch up and I know if I truly needed anything, which ones would be there- but not like when we basically lived at eachothers houses and knew eachothers secrets. Not like when every single day we were divulging every new detail of every life altering moment to eachother. And now as their lives have evolved- they have new BFF's. That connection is so distant that trying to play catch up with the entire background story just so  I could talk about the current woas would need more than just a quick phone call or a bottle of wine.

Most of my friends are committed. Both male and female friends-all have that other half, that partner that shares in their secrets and frustrations...That knows them intimately as a person, where they came from, who they are... that gets those important background details to understand and support them fully.  This is the only reason i've missed having a relationship- Im not lonely or needy, I just miss having that best friend.

I pitied myself and sat with a new understanding of how badly I close myself off to everyone. Its been so long since I've had them, that I've completely forgotten how to even have friends! I'm so open and willing to give love to everyone, but have forgotten how to let anyone else in to love me back. I'm just the wallflower- aquaintences with everyone, longing to be part of the group, but never really fitting in anywhere or with anyone, especially on that level. I freak out and get nervous if people ask me to hang out- questions like "what are we going to talk about? What should I say? What if i'm boring and it gets weird and awkward?" all run through my head. I go, but then it takes liquid courage to get me over those ridiculous anxieties in my head.

So I called my ex-husband. I told him I just didn't understand what was happening. Why so many people so important to me were disappearing. Why nothing was working out. And how devestated I was that my birthday was going to be pathetic and lonely. That I kept trying to keep it positive and telling myself that clearly, the universe is making it so i'm available because something so much better is going to happen. I couldn't have plans because my destiny has other ideas... and all that other hopeless romantic b.s. He just listened.

After crying it all out I realized how truly LUCKY I am that the father of my child is still my best friend. That a person forever intertwined in my life because of our son- is still someone I can count on for support or advice or simply just a non-judgemental listening ear! Someone that I can call a scream to or yell to or cry to that still knows how to make me laugh about it. I am so blessed that I have someone in my life that understands the frustrations and heartaches in my life, because he's been with me through them all. That I still have Somebody that just GETS IT. And that his incredible girlfriend understands it.

My Birthday- ended up being far better than I expected. None of my failed attempts at plans were for the actual day because I was scheduled to work and because I was turning 28 on a Tuesday, I figured- big deal. I came home to my sweet boy presenting me with a bracelet he made the night before- truly one of the most precious gifts ive ever received, and him tucking me into bed for 'sweet dreams' before he went to school. Then, I woke up to around 100 unknown numbers on my phone, as well as about 15 known numbers from my family,  all wishing me a happy birthday and showing love for MY special day. (Later I learned that my ex-husband had posted my number to his facebook page, told his friends that a good friend of his needed cheering up for her birthday and asked them to take a second and send me a quick message. -hence all the unknown numbers).

On facebook, there were around 200 more- and most of them were far beyond the generic 'happy birthday' post on facebook. They were detailed messages, funny stories and amazing comments from my friends. Genuine thoughts celebrating my existence in their lives and wishing they were able to share this time with me.

I'm terrible at acknowledging the facebook reminders for birthdays- but the sheer amount of people that took the time to do it completely blew me away! So often these things feel forced- social proprieties that just need to be acknowledged with no real feeling behind them. Telling someone happy birthday because you'll be "in trouble" if you dont- like mass texting 'happy mothers/fathers day' to everyone it applies to in your phone...

The messages of love and appreciation I received from so many people completely changed my perspective.  Even though I was physically seperated from everyone... I didn't spend my birthday alone at all. :)

Why I just don't Date

I was married to my best friend for 5.5 years. And today- he's still my best friend. We had a great friendship, which made for a pretty great marriage- and has also resulted in a really great post divorce situation. I don't have to go into the details of why it didn't work- part of it was simply being too young. I will say however, that we did absolutely everything in our power to keep our family together. There are no "what-if's" for either of us because we literally tried it all.

Point being- we were great friends, First!  

Five and a half years doesn't seem like much- and to some, seems like an eternity. I mean- holy shit! No one stays married that long anymore! But being married 3 months after you turned 20 and divorced 5.5 years later is huge in terms of emotional and mental maturity. 

What is more amazing to me, is how much the game changed from the time I was 20 to now being 27! 

I don't date because: I don't know how to anymore!

Romance and chivalry have all but vanished as the 20 and 30 something singles have moved on and become the hook up generation. We replace partners as often as we replace our phones/tvs/computers. The 'newer;better models' are always just a couple of weeks away. If something isn't quite "right" we'll find one that is. It's like comparing the pro's and cons of your iPhone vs your Android vs your Samsung galaxy- of partners! Gotta get the latest and greatest upgrade!

Technology killed the dating scene. 

Gone are the days of that awkward second or third date when the long awaited first kiss finally happened. The days of phone calls and dinners or God forbid awkward flirting. The all night conversations. Flowers. Poems. Him getting your door for you while you reach across and unlock his for him. 

I actually even miss the chafing resulting from a good; hard core make-out session in jeans, in the cab of a truck or around the poorly placed gear shifter, late night in the park or on a dirt road in the middle of the woods! 

Now- the average "relationship" lasts about 2 weeks. Hit it and Quit it... Emma Webster pretty accurately portrays the cycle here: 

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-two-week-relationship-the-predictable-fate-of-every-woman-on-the-dating-scene/

I challenge you to have an intelligent conversation with someone new! Talk a couple of times a week about life, dreams, views, interests, hobbies... get to know their story or at least their middle name before you go all raging hormones on them. I like to see how long it takes before the conversation is turned sexual. Helps me gauge how much effort or interest I'll put into an individual. Even more surprising to me is how quickly these single- and more often than not- taken men are prone to unzipping their pants and sending unrequested pictures of themselves. 

"Here I am!" 

I don't blame the men though. Not really... Sex is scientifically proven to be on the brain constantly for them. From 'Tug Tuesdays' to twerking to just plain throwing it all out there, we as women have allowed the standard to drop. Men don't have to work for the package- you unwrapped it for him... He probably doesn't even want the toy inside, just the box it came in. He'll play around with it for a bit- build a fort, stake his claim, conquer it and then be bored with it. Where does the box end up once the thrill is gone? 

The recycle bin... 

in the alley...

alone... 

Crumpled...crushed..

Bruised, beaten and broken...

Right next to yesterday's news..

And you gave him the prize before he took you out for a half-assed meal or at most afforded you a decent conversation! 

You got the dollar menu date! 

Its a shame. 

Coming back to the dating scene with the new norm being quick, dirty and disrespectful has made the effort to find a nanny or put on makeup and pants completely unappealing. The few dates I've been on were less than pleasant experiences. Ive received more random dick pictures than a urologist sees in a year (thanks snapchat). And I've been more violated, disrespected, used and put down in the last 2.5 years than I ever have before in my life! 

Only one person has given me the type of dating experience I missed...the butterflies, the conversation, the anticipated first kiss- without anything more... And I believe the only reason he was able to do so is the fact that he is considerably older. Like graduating high school when I entered kindergarten older... He's from a better generation. And I missed that experience so much- I freaked him out! Ha! 

With the sheer amount of easy options on social media, the lack of available gentlemen (that aren't old enough to be my father), and the abundance of 'perpetual friend-zone-we just have no chemistry or you aren't attractive and I'm shallow' men... I've simply become cynical to the game. I never was much for playing anyways... Ain't nobody got time for that! But now...Dating is no longer what it used to be. 

It's pointless. 

Besides missing having a best friend to come home to on occasion, I'm much happier staying committed to myself & holding myself in a higher regard, than adding myself to the half naked cesspool of singles. 

So...If you need me, I'll be on the couch w Ben and Jerry, watching an unrealistic; sappy Rom-Com and picturing my own hopeless-romantic fairytale of a man that no longer exists in this world. Because the reality is, if he does, he's gay or taken or old enough to be my father. 

#ForeverAlone #HappyThisWay

 

I'm Happy

I'm happy.

My entire life, I've been depressed. My mom tells me that I wanted to kill myself starting at age 5. I've always felt like I was walking through sludge. 

There were times I was happy, of course! It wasn't all bleak and sad... But if you ask anyone that's ever known me, they'd tell you it's just how I was. 

The first time I ever felt differently was when I moved to the east coast. I lived in Virginia and North Carolina. I was only in NC for a month, but there was something about it that felt different. Once I moved away, everything in me wanted to go back! It's all I ever really talked about. 

It wasn't until I've gotten older and more in tune with energy balances that I realized what it really was. 

I moved back to Utah for a boy, got my heart broken. Met someone else, got married and divorced, and still struggled with always being down. Always underlyingly depressed.  It's easy to put on a mask. To hide how we're really feeling inside. People do it every day. No one wants to hang around someone that's gloomy and negative- so I faked it. But deep down there was always that feeling of sludge running through my veins. Simple things like getting out of bed and getting ready we're challenging. It took a lot of emotional energy to force myself to do it. 

After my divorce I met a friend that lived in Seattle. I started flying out every other weekend, because I felt different there. My situation hadn't changed, but the energy of the place was magical. I started noticing an internal shift every time I'd fly back. Most people associate it with the situation, but I knew it wasn't. For the first time since North Carolina, I felt alive. No more sludge. That's when I started really looking at it. Really paying attention to my energy. 

I moved to Seattle, and I haven't been depressed since. 

Don't get me wrong... I have struggled more than I ever have my entire life! My family and everyone I knew was 900 miles away. Finding a permanent job has been a nightmare. Contract and travel nursing can only do so much... My son and I moved here with essentially what could fit in my car. I slept on the floor for 4 months. Then an air bed, a futon and finally a real bed. Slowly acquired "stuff". And subsequently lost it all. Ended up homeless.... But never did I FEEL depressed. Not once did I have the urge or the desire to end it all and stop fighting. I was still genuinely, undeniably happy. 

Started getting back on our feet, and the rug has been pulled out again. Back to square one. Or zero. Or negative one.  On the verge of losing everything again for a second time. No job. My tax return that would've paid rent through the end of my lease was garnished by a school loan company, (thanks UHEAA). My landlords are impatient but the property managers are trying to delay things as much as they possibly can... but it's really out of their control. 

I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost and scared and defeated. 

Because damnit, I work hard! I'm a fighter and do what it takes to make sure my son and I are ok! 

I've never been able to get government assistance- so those that abuse the system absolutely blow my mind. Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe I'm too motivated to succeed. Maybe I'm just too white. Putting down my pride and admitting I even needed the help was hard enough. Being turned away is frustrating. I don't want it, I NEED it. This is just Maslow shit... Not cigarettes and soda!

Instead of being encouraging though, all anyone ever says is that I should give up. Go back and live with my family "until I get on my feet" then move back. 

News flash: I wasn't on my feet while I was there! In fact, I was spiraling so far down that if I didn't get out when I did, I wouldn't be here writing this today. 

Literally. 

The difference between there and here is how I feel. 

Why would anyone want to be in a toxic environment that makes them feel so sick and sad and suicidal every day??! 

I love Utah. I love the culture, the people, parts of the landscape. I can appreciate it for what it is. All I know is that the latitude and longitudinal placement of it absolutely drains me. Having help with Jaiden is the only plus of going there. I'd rather eat a bullet than go back. 

I've tried to explain it to some people. Why moving back there isn't an option for me... But unless you've felt that difference, no one will ever understand it. I don't even understand it, I just know that I'm happy and I'd prefer to remain happy. Even if that means losing everything and struggling and being homeless and broke. 

I'm happy. 

So if you really love me and want to support me, do it. Support me in being selfish enough to take care of my emotional stability and well being. Encourage me to continue fighting, not to give up and run away. Respect me enough to try and understand that I don't EVER want to feel the way I have 95% of my life again... And for whatever reason, that's how I feel there and that's NOT how I feel here. 

I'm happy. 

Strength & Worth

Sometimes, all it takes is a moment to realize how much value you bring to the world. A simple post, a photograph, one word and all of the sudden you see- those that hurt you are missing out on so much! The loneliness, low self esteem and confusion dissipate and your eyes are opened once again to how great you really are! It's easy to forget when you're slapped in the face & can't see straight.

There has to be hurt and pain in order to find your true strength. If you aren't pushed past those limits, you'll never grow. You'll never evolve. There have to be storms and rain to nourish the beauty around us and help us to appreciate the sunny days. How boring it would be if every day was perfect!

Today I realized my worth once again, found my strength to push past the unsettling; disrespectful challenge my heart was confronted with, and am ready to take on the next battle with a smile on my face.

Someday ill find my happily ever after with some really lucky man... But until then- I love my happily ever now!

Alone v.s. Lonely

For the last year I've been fascinated by the seemingly pointless; never ending cycle of love and relationships. Finding it comical, almost pitiful at times, I've often asked myself "what is the point"?

We fall for someone and if we're lucky, they fall too... Then you move past the twitterpated stage and fall into step with each other where you either break up or get married. If you do stay together, you have to WORK to keep that love there. You have to fight daily to keep that spark alive or it dies and you break up. After the breakup we experience the stages of grief- sadness, anger, bargaining and acceptance. Sometimes staying in various stages for long term appointments... Then, when we're finally back on our feet with our heads on straight, feeling good while being alone, we start the cycle over again! Why?! What kind of sadistical torture is this that we continually yearn for the first, second and possibly the third stages of the cycle? Besides procreation and codependency, I couldn't put the pieces together.

Perfectly content with living my life as the strong; independent single mom- just taking the world on with my son. No time for any of the above non-sense! I'd been dating here and there... Who can turn down good conversation and free food? I mean come on! But truly looking at the whole game as a silly concept that I wanted no part of. I'd already been madly in love, fought for the relationship, given it CPR and rescue shocks so many times that there was truly nothing left to bring back to life, and finally pulled myself out of the grievance cycle to a healthy place where i was honestly happy! why on earth would I ever do that to myself again?

I learned the hard way that sometimes, we don't have a choice. He came into my life completely unexpectedly. I went into it with no intentions or desires further than free food and maybe some cute friends to take me fishing. He wasn't single or even an option in my mind! I'd been that girl for far too long, I'd never want to be the "other" girl that made someone feel the way I had my entire marriage! But there was something there... An unexplainable connection with someone I hardly knew and had only just met.

We talked and texted, physically hung out 3 times, never inappropriately- the third after he told her that he was done because whatever was there between us felt like it would be so much more fulfilling and real. After the third time, our first real date....Our first kiss....One of those can't eat, can't sleep; reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of moments. I suddenly felt like I hadn't ever lived before that.

And just like that, he was gone.

Naturally sorting out all of the aspects of your life after a long term relationship takes awhile.. They both had their own grievance processes to deal with... I could be patient. For the connection and for the way my heart felt, I would wait forever. In my mind, going back to life before he existed wasn't possible.

We spoke a couple of times after that- dying to see each other again... Just to even be in the same room together again... And then, after a few weeks the texts went unanswered, the emails, probably directed to the spam box. Not another word from him again.

Knocked off my feet, head over heels and then gone before I could even catch my breath!

So now I sit here- done contemplating all of the possible scenarios for such an unsettling ending, now I'm simply frustrated and angry.

Angry that he got in and had me so completely in the blink of an eye.

Angry that I fell so hard, so disgustingly quickly and once again found myself on my ass because no one was there to catch me.

Angry that he didn't respect me enough to say goodbye.

Angry and frustrated that I find myself still hung up on him even though I barely knew him! I'm not the girl that gets all dopey like this over guys! At least not that quickly or easily.

But now I ask myself why I feel so lonely!

I'm still perfectly happy with my life! Im content enjoying every adventure and exploring the world with my son! I certainly don't NEED anything or anyone... There wasn't even time to develop a codependency issue!

Yet, there's this emptiness, down to my soul that I can't explain.

I miss being excited about someone.

I miss feeling like my soul found its counterpart in another...

It never occurred to me that you didn't have to be alone to be lonely.

Dead For A Day

When i was younger I remember writing a lot of poetry to help cope with different things I was going through growing up. In one particular bad phase of life I wrote the beginning of a poem that went something like this:

"Sometimes I wonder

What it'd be like to die

To lay in a casket

And watch everyone cry

Sometimes I wonder

Who would be there

Who would pay their respects

Who really would care....."

I never wrote anything beyond that... I could never finish it

Yesterday, I lost one of my best friends

her husband lost his wife

her daughters lost their mom

and everyone she's touched has lost a light...

to suicide.

For as long as i've known her, She's been depressed. She'd been so sick for so long... none of us really took her threats seriously anymore- All we could do was listen, tell her everything was going to be alright and help her pull through it. None of us ever thought she'd be gone.

But she is.

She gave up.

After the initial shock wore off and the facebook posts began flowing in, all I could think was "I wish she could see this!!!"

For so long she felt unloved, unappreciated and completely alone. That no one acknowledged her efforts and, at the end of the day, that no one cared.

Then i thought- what a great, but completely fucked up, suicidal ideation treatment!

What if, for just one day, we were dead to the world? That rumor had it we were gone... That Our friends and our family- close and long lost- all came out of the woodwork and expressed their truest; deepest feelings? Sharing stories of ways we inspired them, ways we touched their lives, things they always admired, memories they'll always cherish.

How sad it is to think we hold onto these thoughts and  keep them to ourselves! How many unnecessarily lost lives may be saved if they knew the things we never say? What if all it took was that single message- that said, "i appreciate you, my life is forever changed/blessed/better because of you... and even if we never speak again... I'll always care about you."?

So as everyone begins making your New Years resolutions that you'll statistically fail miserably in the next 6 weeks... take a good look at your friends lists. Take 2 minutes to say a quick hello, share a thought, a memory or simply something you appreciate or admire about that person.... You never know what they're feeling... whats going on in their lives... or if the next morning they'll be gone.

Cherish life.

Happy New Year Everyone!