Today I was confronted with an extremely difficult question to ponder:
Is it possible to honestly love whole-heartedly and still be selfish at the same time?
To me it seems impossible, an oxymoron that couldn't possibly ring true. But as a person that is unable to truely be selfish i guess i'm unable to understand.
See i'm the kind of person that if you are struggling, if you need help and if i love you- i will do everything i can to help you out- no questions asked. So when faced with someone so totally opposite, I can't comprehend how you couldn't- IF you truely loved them and cared about them.
Granted- it makes me a doormat and i get walked on and taken advantage of more often than not- so maybe the selfish person really isn't selfish at all but just protecting themselves from the inevitable hurt that follows? Maybe keeping ones own interests in the forefront of our minds should always take precedence over others? Maybe in real life there is no such thing as friends or family or commited relationships of 2 partners dedicated to endure to the end... just people brought into your life to toy with you and challenge your character and ingenuity continuously to make us grow until we reach that end, whatever that may be for each of us.
One thing i know as i sit here with a broken spirit and a bruised ego is that although the hardest thing you can do is swallow your pride, admit that you need help and conjur up the courage to ask for it; the worst possible outcome is for that person to turn their back on you and kick you while you're already down and vulnerable. The most overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and failure takes over despite any attempt at remaining positive.
So as i ponder these thoughts i wonder- is it truely selfishness? Can it truely be love if it is selfishness? Are emotions like love, compassion and caring real Or am i just crazy to try and play doctor, putting bandaids on every wound i come across, just to be turned away at the door when my turn comes along.
Hmmm so feeling of pain is not what we look for. We run from it. It's the ones that look past the pain that they are going to share. With the one who needs them to give them there hand are the ones that make it so u push forward. The good / bad thing is there are less that don't turn there backs and close the door on your time of need. It's amazing how one blog can make you look at your self and ask. Were do I fit in? Selfish or selfless.
ReplyDeleteTrust is a hard thing. I would say the hardest person to trust would be someone in a relationship because your feelings are so vulnerable. You're trusting them with your heart. When you pour everything into that and then expect the same thing back and it never comes....it can be very painful. So i'd say you aren't being selfish if you're looking out for yourself. There is such a thing as making smart decisions based on your self interests. For example, if there a guy that you totally like and you're starting to get into a relationship but he has some issues, he has a past history of bad behavior, he's had trust issues in the past, that kind of thing, you have to have to make a smart decision and judge the person and not automatically look past everything and want to help. That sounds like what you are doing. You don't judge people and you want to help people so much that it can be to a fault in certain circumstances if you're not careful. I have a brother in law that is totally the opposite. He doesn't trust anyone. He's a guilty till proven innocent guy. I don't like that in a lot circumstances because I think he over-reacts to certain circumstances. For example, locking doors. I'm from a small town and we never locked our doors until my brother in law came along and freaked my dad out, so he started locking the doors like crazy, which was totally un-necessary. But at the same time, you can't say you should lock your doors ever, you have to lock your doors sometimes and in certain places. The same goes with relationships, you have to be smart and use your head as well as your heart. I hope that made sense and helped with your dilemma a little bit :)
ReplyDelete"Maybe in real life there is no such thing as friends or family or commited relationships of 2 partners dedicated to endure to the end... just people brought into your life to toy with you and challenge your character and ingenuity continuously to make us grow until we reach that end, whatever that may be for each of us"
ReplyDeleteThis part was amazing. Exactly what i've been thinking the past few months.
I married my dream girl last october. I gave her everything i possibly could - a house, a brand new car, a new phone, loved her daughter like my own, built an amazing friendship for months and months, loved her as deeply as I possibly could. She got pregnant in november, miscarried our baby in December, and said it was a sign from God she shouldn't be with me. I lost EVERYTHING in 1 week.
So your quote above rings very very very true with me. And breaks my heart over and over again.
I am so sorry that happened to you! I've been there before as well- fighting tooth an nail to hold on to everything I love. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose- just don't stop fighting! ;)
ReplyDelete