Birthday Blues

Birthdays are a huge deal. Probably the biggest; most important day of the year. You could forget an anniversary, Valentines day, Christmas... but birthdays are important to me.

I. LOVE. BIRTHDAYS.

I can't really explain why they mean so much to me honestly. I remember growing up enjoying them- except for the shared birthday party with my cousins on my dads side (I was NOT the favorite and the 2 cousins I shared with most certainly were.)

Maybe I love them because its a day to celebrate our existence. A celebration of Life and how/why we are important to others in theirs. A way to honor and express that appreciation to the "birthday kid" that so often doesn't get spoken of until someone dies. I know we really dont think of them this way. Birthdays become about presents and parties. They focus on a number instead of attaching a value. They are more about the party and the stuff than the person they are in celebration of.

Most people hate birthdays, but then again, most people hate life and themselves too. I used to as well, but now I prefer to celebrate myself and the anniversary of my existence.

This year I couldn't wait for my birthday. I had so many great plans and was looking forward to making incredible memories with some really important people in my life. Then within 6 days I watched everything fall apart. Plans I had made fell through. People I was looking forward to spending time with, cancelled. Everytime I'd try to make new plans, something else was there to prevent it from happening. On top of it all- my extremely small circle of friends, got smaller. People I considered part of my inner circle- my closest; most trusted friends- dropped me off of facebook with no explaination as to why.

By 3 days until birthday, I had 2 friends bail out on their trips up here, 4 friends remove me as their friend, 4 adventures/dates/plans cancelled, and declinations from nearly every other person I cared about showing up to the last minute party I attempted to put together for myself. Clearly, this was going to be a party spent utterly and completely alone. Awesome.

By 2 days until birthday, I began reaching out to friends I trusted- just needing to talk- to process the whirlwind of events that came through...To just reflect out loud the sheer amount of loss and rejection I had just experienced. Naturally though, not one of them could find time for me. There wasn't a single person in my life that could find time for tea and a conversation.

Totally

Completely

Entirely

Utterly

Alone.


The day before my birthday I began asking myself, "How pathetic am I? I have so many friends and no one around. How sad is it that the only person I can call and talk to about anything, anytime, for any reason- is my ex-husband?"

Then, instead of a birthday party, I threw myself in a pity party- I was going to be alone anyways, so i made it epic.

I pitied myself because everyone I love... all of my friends, aquaintences, and everyone close to me, all HAVE those friends. They all have A best friend- as a partner, a lover, their girls, a homeboy etc. But me? Pfffft...Loser!! A-LOOOOONE! No girlfriend, no partner, and at the present time, no available friends... just a puppy and a baby- neither of which were helpful in this particular situation....

All of my girls are married, have families and lives of their own... sure sometimes we talk and catch up and I know if I truly needed anything, which ones would be there- but not like when we basically lived at eachothers houses and knew eachothers secrets. Not like when every single day we were divulging every new detail of every life altering moment to eachother. And now as their lives have evolved- they have new BFF's. That connection is so distant that trying to play catch up with the entire background story just so  I could talk about the current woas would need more than just a quick phone call or a bottle of wine.

Most of my friends are committed. Both male and female friends-all have that other half, that partner that shares in their secrets and frustrations...That knows them intimately as a person, where they came from, who they are... that gets those important background details to understand and support them fully.  This is the only reason i've missed having a relationship- Im not lonely or needy, I just miss having that best friend.

I pitied myself and sat with a new understanding of how badly I close myself off to everyone. Its been so long since I've had them, that I've completely forgotten how to even have friends! I'm so open and willing to give love to everyone, but have forgotten how to let anyone else in to love me back. I'm just the wallflower- aquaintences with everyone, longing to be part of the group, but never really fitting in anywhere or with anyone, especially on that level. I freak out and get nervous if people ask me to hang out- questions like "what are we going to talk about? What should I say? What if i'm boring and it gets weird and awkward?" all run through my head. I go, but then it takes liquid courage to get me over those ridiculous anxieties in my head.

So I called my ex-husband. I told him I just didn't understand what was happening. Why so many people so important to me were disappearing. Why nothing was working out. And how devestated I was that my birthday was going to be pathetic and lonely. That I kept trying to keep it positive and telling myself that clearly, the universe is making it so i'm available because something so much better is going to happen. I couldn't have plans because my destiny has other ideas... and all that other hopeless romantic b.s. He just listened.

After crying it all out I realized how truly LUCKY I am that the father of my child is still my best friend. That a person forever intertwined in my life because of our son- is still someone I can count on for support or advice or simply just a non-judgemental listening ear! Someone that I can call a scream to or yell to or cry to that still knows how to make me laugh about it. I am so blessed that I have someone in my life that understands the frustrations and heartaches in my life, because he's been with me through them all. That I still have Somebody that just GETS IT. And that his incredible girlfriend understands it.

My Birthday- ended up being far better than I expected. None of my failed attempts at plans were for the actual day because I was scheduled to work and because I was turning 28 on a Tuesday, I figured- big deal. I came home to my sweet boy presenting me with a bracelet he made the night before- truly one of the most precious gifts ive ever received, and him tucking me into bed for 'sweet dreams' before he went to school. Then, I woke up to around 100 unknown numbers on my phone, as well as about 15 known numbers from my family,  all wishing me a happy birthday and showing love for MY special day. (Later I learned that my ex-husband had posted my number to his facebook page, told his friends that a good friend of his needed cheering up for her birthday and asked them to take a second and send me a quick message. -hence all the unknown numbers).

On facebook, there were around 200 more- and most of them were far beyond the generic 'happy birthday' post on facebook. They were detailed messages, funny stories and amazing comments from my friends. Genuine thoughts celebrating my existence in their lives and wishing they were able to share this time with me.

I'm terrible at acknowledging the facebook reminders for birthdays- but the sheer amount of people that took the time to do it completely blew me away! So often these things feel forced- social proprieties that just need to be acknowledged with no real feeling behind them. Telling someone happy birthday because you'll be "in trouble" if you dont- like mass texting 'happy mothers/fathers day' to everyone it applies to in your phone...

The messages of love and appreciation I received from so many people completely changed my perspective.  Even though I was physically seperated from everyone... I didn't spend my birthday alone at all. :)

Why I just don't Date

I was married to my best friend for 5.5 years. And today- he's still my best friend. We had a great friendship, which made for a pretty great marriage- and has also resulted in a really great post divorce situation. I don't have to go into the details of why it didn't work- part of it was simply being too young. I will say however, that we did absolutely everything in our power to keep our family together. There are no "what-if's" for either of us because we literally tried it all.

Point being- we were great friends, First!  

Five and a half years doesn't seem like much- and to some, seems like an eternity. I mean- holy shit! No one stays married that long anymore! But being married 3 months after you turned 20 and divorced 5.5 years later is huge in terms of emotional and mental maturity. 

What is more amazing to me, is how much the game changed from the time I was 20 to now being 27! 

I don't date because: I don't know how to anymore!

Romance and chivalry have all but vanished as the 20 and 30 something singles have moved on and become the hook up generation. We replace partners as often as we replace our phones/tvs/computers. The 'newer;better models' are always just a couple of weeks away. If something isn't quite "right" we'll find one that is. It's like comparing the pro's and cons of your iPhone vs your Android vs your Samsung galaxy- of partners! Gotta get the latest and greatest upgrade!

Technology killed the dating scene. 

Gone are the days of that awkward second or third date when the long awaited first kiss finally happened. The days of phone calls and dinners or God forbid awkward flirting. The all night conversations. Flowers. Poems. Him getting your door for you while you reach across and unlock his for him. 

I actually even miss the chafing resulting from a good; hard core make-out session in jeans, in the cab of a truck or around the poorly placed gear shifter, late night in the park or on a dirt road in the middle of the woods! 

Now- the average "relationship" lasts about 2 weeks. Hit it and Quit it... Emma Webster pretty accurately portrays the cycle here: 

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-two-week-relationship-the-predictable-fate-of-every-woman-on-the-dating-scene/

I challenge you to have an intelligent conversation with someone new! Talk a couple of times a week about life, dreams, views, interests, hobbies... get to know their story or at least their middle name before you go all raging hormones on them. I like to see how long it takes before the conversation is turned sexual. Helps me gauge how much effort or interest I'll put into an individual. Even more surprising to me is how quickly these single- and more often than not- taken men are prone to unzipping their pants and sending unrequested pictures of themselves. 

"Here I am!" 

I don't blame the men though. Not really... Sex is scientifically proven to be on the brain constantly for them. From 'Tug Tuesdays' to twerking to just plain throwing it all out there, we as women have allowed the standard to drop. Men don't have to work for the package- you unwrapped it for him... He probably doesn't even want the toy inside, just the box it came in. He'll play around with it for a bit- build a fort, stake his claim, conquer it and then be bored with it. Where does the box end up once the thrill is gone? 

The recycle bin... 

in the alley...

alone... 

Crumpled...crushed..

Bruised, beaten and broken...

Right next to yesterday's news..

And you gave him the prize before he took you out for a half-assed meal or at most afforded you a decent conversation! 

You got the dollar menu date! 

Its a shame. 

Coming back to the dating scene with the new norm being quick, dirty and disrespectful has made the effort to find a nanny or put on makeup and pants completely unappealing. The few dates I've been on were less than pleasant experiences. Ive received more random dick pictures than a urologist sees in a year (thanks snapchat). And I've been more violated, disrespected, used and put down in the last 2.5 years than I ever have before in my life! 

Only one person has given me the type of dating experience I missed...the butterflies, the conversation, the anticipated first kiss- without anything more... And I believe the only reason he was able to do so is the fact that he is considerably older. Like graduating high school when I entered kindergarten older... He's from a better generation. And I missed that experience so much- I freaked him out! Ha! 

With the sheer amount of easy options on social media, the lack of available gentlemen (that aren't old enough to be my father), and the abundance of 'perpetual friend-zone-we just have no chemistry or you aren't attractive and I'm shallow' men... I've simply become cynical to the game. I never was much for playing anyways... Ain't nobody got time for that! But now...Dating is no longer what it used to be. 

It's pointless. 

Besides missing having a best friend to come home to on occasion, I'm much happier staying committed to myself & holding myself in a higher regard, than adding myself to the half naked cesspool of singles. 

So...If you need me, I'll be on the couch w Ben and Jerry, watching an unrealistic; sappy Rom-Com and picturing my own hopeless-romantic fairytale of a man that no longer exists in this world. Because the reality is, if he does, he's gay or taken or old enough to be my father. 

#ForeverAlone #HappyThisWay

 

I'm Happy

I'm happy.

My entire life, I've been depressed. My mom tells me that I wanted to kill myself starting at age 5. I've always felt like I was walking through sludge. 

There were times I was happy, of course! It wasn't all bleak and sad... But if you ask anyone that's ever known me, they'd tell you it's just how I was. 

The first time I ever felt differently was when I moved to the east coast. I lived in Virginia and North Carolina. I was only in NC for a month, but there was something about it that felt different. Once I moved away, everything in me wanted to go back! It's all I ever really talked about. 

It wasn't until I've gotten older and more in tune with energy balances that I realized what it really was. 

I moved back to Utah for a boy, got my heart broken. Met someone else, got married and divorced, and still struggled with always being down. Always underlyingly depressed.  It's easy to put on a mask. To hide how we're really feeling inside. People do it every day. No one wants to hang around someone that's gloomy and negative- so I faked it. But deep down there was always that feeling of sludge running through my veins. Simple things like getting out of bed and getting ready we're challenging. It took a lot of emotional energy to force myself to do it. 

After my divorce I met a friend that lived in Seattle. I started flying out every other weekend, because I felt different there. My situation hadn't changed, but the energy of the place was magical. I started noticing an internal shift every time I'd fly back. Most people associate it with the situation, but I knew it wasn't. For the first time since North Carolina, I felt alive. No more sludge. That's when I started really looking at it. Really paying attention to my energy. 

I moved to Seattle, and I haven't been depressed since. 

Don't get me wrong... I have struggled more than I ever have my entire life! My family and everyone I knew was 900 miles away. Finding a permanent job has been a nightmare. Contract and travel nursing can only do so much... My son and I moved here with essentially what could fit in my car. I slept on the floor for 4 months. Then an air bed, a futon and finally a real bed. Slowly acquired "stuff". And subsequently lost it all. Ended up homeless.... But never did I FEEL depressed. Not once did I have the urge or the desire to end it all and stop fighting. I was still genuinely, undeniably happy. 

Started getting back on our feet, and the rug has been pulled out again. Back to square one. Or zero. Or negative one.  On the verge of losing everything again for a second time. No job. My tax return that would've paid rent through the end of my lease was garnished by a school loan company, (thanks UHEAA). My landlords are impatient but the property managers are trying to delay things as much as they possibly can... but it's really out of their control. 

I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost and scared and defeated. 

Because damnit, I work hard! I'm a fighter and do what it takes to make sure my son and I are ok! 

I've never been able to get government assistance- so those that abuse the system absolutely blow my mind. Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe I'm too motivated to succeed. Maybe I'm just too white. Putting down my pride and admitting I even needed the help was hard enough. Being turned away is frustrating. I don't want it, I NEED it. This is just Maslow shit... Not cigarettes and soda!

Instead of being encouraging though, all anyone ever says is that I should give up. Go back and live with my family "until I get on my feet" then move back. 

News flash: I wasn't on my feet while I was there! In fact, I was spiraling so far down that if I didn't get out when I did, I wouldn't be here writing this today. 

Literally. 

The difference between there and here is how I feel. 

Why would anyone want to be in a toxic environment that makes them feel so sick and sad and suicidal every day??! 

I love Utah. I love the culture, the people, parts of the landscape. I can appreciate it for what it is. All I know is that the latitude and longitudinal placement of it absolutely drains me. Having help with Jaiden is the only plus of going there. I'd rather eat a bullet than go back. 

I've tried to explain it to some people. Why moving back there isn't an option for me... But unless you've felt that difference, no one will ever understand it. I don't even understand it, I just know that I'm happy and I'd prefer to remain happy. Even if that means losing everything and struggling and being homeless and broke. 

I'm happy. 

So if you really love me and want to support me, do it. Support me in being selfish enough to take care of my emotional stability and well being. Encourage me to continue fighting, not to give up and run away. Respect me enough to try and understand that I don't EVER want to feel the way I have 95% of my life again... And for whatever reason, that's how I feel there and that's NOT how I feel here. 

I'm happy.