Birthday Blues

Birthdays are a huge deal. Probably the biggest; most important day of the year. You could forget an anniversary, Valentines day, Christmas... but birthdays are important to me.

I. LOVE. BIRTHDAYS.

I can't really explain why they mean so much to me honestly. I remember growing up enjoying them- except for the shared birthday party with my cousins on my dads side (I was NOT the favorite and the 2 cousins I shared with most certainly were.)

Maybe I love them because its a day to celebrate our existence. A celebration of Life and how/why we are important to others in theirs. A way to honor and express that appreciation to the "birthday kid" that so often doesn't get spoken of until someone dies. I know we really dont think of them this way. Birthdays become about presents and parties. They focus on a number instead of attaching a value. They are more about the party and the stuff than the person they are in celebration of.

Most people hate birthdays, but then again, most people hate life and themselves too. I used to as well, but now I prefer to celebrate myself and the anniversary of my existence.

This year I couldn't wait for my birthday. I had so many great plans and was looking forward to making incredible memories with some really important people in my life. Then within 6 days I watched everything fall apart. Plans I had made fell through. People I was looking forward to spending time with, cancelled. Everytime I'd try to make new plans, something else was there to prevent it from happening. On top of it all- my extremely small circle of friends, got smaller. People I considered part of my inner circle- my closest; most trusted friends- dropped me off of facebook with no explaination as to why.

By 3 days until birthday, I had 2 friends bail out on their trips up here, 4 friends remove me as their friend, 4 adventures/dates/plans cancelled, and declinations from nearly every other person I cared about showing up to the last minute party I attempted to put together for myself. Clearly, this was going to be a party spent utterly and completely alone. Awesome.

By 2 days until birthday, I began reaching out to friends I trusted- just needing to talk- to process the whirlwind of events that came through...To just reflect out loud the sheer amount of loss and rejection I had just experienced. Naturally though, not one of them could find time for me. There wasn't a single person in my life that could find time for tea and a conversation.

Totally

Completely

Entirely

Utterly

Alone.


The day before my birthday I began asking myself, "How pathetic am I? I have so many friends and no one around. How sad is it that the only person I can call and talk to about anything, anytime, for any reason- is my ex-husband?"

Then, instead of a birthday party, I threw myself in a pity party- I was going to be alone anyways, so i made it epic.

I pitied myself because everyone I love... all of my friends, aquaintences, and everyone close to me, all HAVE those friends. They all have A best friend- as a partner, a lover, their girls, a homeboy etc. But me? Pfffft...Loser!! A-LOOOOONE! No girlfriend, no partner, and at the present time, no available friends... just a puppy and a baby- neither of which were helpful in this particular situation....

All of my girls are married, have families and lives of their own... sure sometimes we talk and catch up and I know if I truly needed anything, which ones would be there- but not like when we basically lived at eachothers houses and knew eachothers secrets. Not like when every single day we were divulging every new detail of every life altering moment to eachother. And now as their lives have evolved- they have new BFF's. That connection is so distant that trying to play catch up with the entire background story just so  I could talk about the current woas would need more than just a quick phone call or a bottle of wine.

Most of my friends are committed. Both male and female friends-all have that other half, that partner that shares in their secrets and frustrations...That knows them intimately as a person, where they came from, who they are... that gets those important background details to understand and support them fully.  This is the only reason i've missed having a relationship- Im not lonely or needy, I just miss having that best friend.

I pitied myself and sat with a new understanding of how badly I close myself off to everyone. Its been so long since I've had them, that I've completely forgotten how to even have friends! I'm so open and willing to give love to everyone, but have forgotten how to let anyone else in to love me back. I'm just the wallflower- aquaintences with everyone, longing to be part of the group, but never really fitting in anywhere or with anyone, especially on that level. I freak out and get nervous if people ask me to hang out- questions like "what are we going to talk about? What should I say? What if i'm boring and it gets weird and awkward?" all run through my head. I go, but then it takes liquid courage to get me over those ridiculous anxieties in my head.

So I called my ex-husband. I told him I just didn't understand what was happening. Why so many people so important to me were disappearing. Why nothing was working out. And how devestated I was that my birthday was going to be pathetic and lonely. That I kept trying to keep it positive and telling myself that clearly, the universe is making it so i'm available because something so much better is going to happen. I couldn't have plans because my destiny has other ideas... and all that other hopeless romantic b.s. He just listened.

After crying it all out I realized how truly LUCKY I am that the father of my child is still my best friend. That a person forever intertwined in my life because of our son- is still someone I can count on for support or advice or simply just a non-judgemental listening ear! Someone that I can call a scream to or yell to or cry to that still knows how to make me laugh about it. I am so blessed that I have someone in my life that understands the frustrations and heartaches in my life, because he's been with me through them all. That I still have Somebody that just GETS IT. And that his incredible girlfriend understands it.

My Birthday- ended up being far better than I expected. None of my failed attempts at plans were for the actual day because I was scheduled to work and because I was turning 28 on a Tuesday, I figured- big deal. I came home to my sweet boy presenting me with a bracelet he made the night before- truly one of the most precious gifts ive ever received, and him tucking me into bed for 'sweet dreams' before he went to school. Then, I woke up to around 100 unknown numbers on my phone, as well as about 15 known numbers from my family,  all wishing me a happy birthday and showing love for MY special day. (Later I learned that my ex-husband had posted my number to his facebook page, told his friends that a good friend of his needed cheering up for her birthday and asked them to take a second and send me a quick message. -hence all the unknown numbers).

On facebook, there were around 200 more- and most of them were far beyond the generic 'happy birthday' post on facebook. They were detailed messages, funny stories and amazing comments from my friends. Genuine thoughts celebrating my existence in their lives and wishing they were able to share this time with me.

I'm terrible at acknowledging the facebook reminders for birthdays- but the sheer amount of people that took the time to do it completely blew me away! So often these things feel forced- social proprieties that just need to be acknowledged with no real feeling behind them. Telling someone happy birthday because you'll be "in trouble" if you dont- like mass texting 'happy mothers/fathers day' to everyone it applies to in your phone...

The messages of love and appreciation I received from so many people completely changed my perspective.  Even though I was physically seperated from everyone... I didn't spend my birthday alone at all. :)