Its amazing to me how your wants in life change...
Growing up I was the nerdy girl that everyone made fun of. I was never in the popular crowd...The boys were always making jokes like "Reesa is pretty, pretty damn ugly" (thank you 5th grade first crush). The only thing I wanted in life was to grow up to be absolutely gorgeous. To be the Disney princess. To be the girl that walked through the door and made the whole room go silent. And if we're being honest, I couldn't wait to go on Jenny Jones and show all of those mean boys "Look at me now"!
What I wasn't aware of, however, is really how much of a burden physical attractiveness can be. I didn't realize that along with silencing a room, your every move is analyzed. Every breath of air you make in the wrong direction is scrutinized. Everyone is watching the things that you are doing and putting you down in a completely different way. Style of dress is never appropriate enough (its either too tight, too baggy, too frumpy, too bright, too low, too high, etc). When you try to tweak one quality slightly to meet everyones standards, there is a whole separate group ready and waiting to put you down. Sad how the insecurities of others are manifested through hate.
It also comes with the blessing of allowing you to appear completely superficial and totally dense. Like underneath the physical mask, there couldn't possibly be anything worthwhile to explore. Apparently when you're physically attractive, the only thing you're good for is meaningless sex or the late night booty call. You're the next conquest the guys want to brag about later on with their buddies. A pretty girl couldn't possibly have any real feelings or any real substance about her. Fucked and chucked.
After finally embracing and loving the person I am inside, and accepting the person I am outside, I apparently became an extremely intimidating person to be around. God forbid you have a smart; pretty girl that also happens to be really laid back, drama free and down to earth. It isn't possible to be beautiful and bad ass right? Wrong! Except now I find that most wont take the time to look past the pretty face. Most wont make an effort to discover who I am and what i'm about.
I finally learned to shed the mask... to stop hiding who I was, to stop trying to change myself to fit in. I learned how to simply be me 100% of the time. To stop caring what others thought- to allow myself to be completely real with myself and others every day.
So now the question is... how do i put the physical aspect on the back burner and stand out for the girl I am inside. the girl with so much more to offer...
Funny how my whole life all i wanted to be was beautiful... and now all i want to be is invisibly average.
