Loneliness

It's a lonely little world I live in. No wonder im so unhappy. I have no friends. At home I'm seen as incompetent. My son has no boundaries & no respect. I can't talk to my grandparents about anything.. At work, I'm alone in a gray cubicle. Very little social interaction- no human connection- no friends... Just a job I don't care to do, in a place I don't care to be, with a paycheck far less than I'm worth. I have to give so much effort to complete the tasks that I do. It's taking 5x the effort for 1/2 the production.... I'm not happy. I'm alone at home, I'm alone at work, I'm alone outside of both of those places and I'm watching myself shut down. Not caring. Not wanting to work. Getting fat. Not caring about that either. Reflecting back on last summer.. When I was happy. When I was productive. When I had everything I wanted- or at least I wanted to believe I did. When the only thing missing was my one more child... I had a job I loved- that paid well, I had a family, I had a best friend to come home & talk to every night- that loved me for me, I had friends outside of JayDe's friends. I had my own group of people that I could interact with daily. Even if my husband was emotionally checked out... I- in my own little world- was happy. The only thing missing for me was my last baby.

Now it's all I can do but look at my 'friends' on Facebook... All of them on their 3rd child... Married, owning homes, pushing the daily grind of work, school, mom, wife etc and I'm jealous. Wishing I had what they did. Hating the current state of my life and knowing the miserable cycle I'm on is spiraling down instead of moving forward.. Knowing the only way off is to get out. Throw myself to the wolves. I'm losing faith in myself.

Strange thing is, is that I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not hopeless. Discouraged maybe. Frustrated, absolutely. Just don't really care. Moving from hating it so much that I'm working as hard as I can to get out to just hating it and accepting that the good ole days are gone. But refusing to let myself give up & completely resolve to being fat, broke & alone.

Just unsure where I'm going to land when I throw myself off of the ride....

Rejection

Rejection. It's a different emotion. Can be taken out of context, viewed from the wrong perception... Stemming from insecurity. I don't know why it bothers me so badly that after giving and fighting and loving and trying with everything I had to keep my family together and make my marriage work, after finally standing up for myself & jaiden and saying no more, that everyone has turned their backs on me. I'm the bad guy. And all I did was give 150% to everyone else... Nothing to myself. Loneliness is terrible. Knowing that all of your friends really are his- and always will be. Even though they are around & say 'hey' occasionally... I'll always just be "the ex". Like its some kind of disease. Being shunned for standing up for myself after years of putting him and our son first. I wonder if they know I can see the pity in their eyes when they look at me.

It's crazy how the truly ruthless bitches always come out on top. The manipulative whores that make everyone else's lives hell, ultimately retain control. Laura constantly dangled Dylan in front of Becky, was always malicious & only thinking about herself. I simply stated that jaiden wanted to spend time with her and i was frustrated that he was never included. Yet here we are- I'm the bad guy. His parents have disowned jaiden and I while adopting her son as their own grandchild. They've long since forgotten about me and undoubtedly adore Shaina.

Laura couldn't stand me because she couldn't control me & I stopped allowing her to control JayDe. I wouldn't allow her to walk all over my family. But you bet your ass she loves shaina. They have the same personality traits.

I think his grandmothers comment stung the worst. She commented on a picture of the 2 of them and said "your girlfriend is so pretty, I'm so proud of you!" proud of what? The fact that he abandoned his "not pretty"; hard working wife and child to go party, do drugs and be single? Proud that he neglected his responsibilities as a father and commitments as a husband? Proud that he is now dating an underage princess he can party with that has never had to work for anything?

Even his friends that stood by me in the beginning... Inviting jaiden and I places... Have stopped. They invite JayDe and Shaina instead. It's so ridiculous that I almost feel betrayed by them for it. But it's like accepting her and dropping me, validates what he did and that it's ok. They're his friends! Of course they are going to stick by him- whether they agree with his actions or not!! I wouldn't expect any less!!

I'm just the ex.

Unfriended by Shaina on Facebook. Still blocked by him as well. Says a lot more than words ever could.. Makes me wonder who he doesn't want knowing how good of friends we still are. Makes me wonder how badly he trashed me for ending the marriage I fought for.

It's a lonely world; rejection.