Loneliness

It's a lonely little world I live in. No wonder im so unhappy. I have no friends. At home I'm seen as incompetent. My son has no boundaries & no respect. I can't talk to my grandparents about anything.. At work, I'm alone in a gray cubicle. Very little social interaction- no human connection- no friends... Just a job I don't care to do, in a place I don't care to be, with a paycheck far less than I'm worth. I have to give so much effort to complete the tasks that I do. It's taking 5x the effort for 1/2 the production.... I'm not happy. I'm alone at home, I'm alone at work, I'm alone outside of both of those places and I'm watching myself shut down. Not caring. Not wanting to work. Getting fat. Not caring about that either. Reflecting back on last summer.. When I was happy. When I was productive. When I had everything I wanted- or at least I wanted to believe I did. When the only thing missing was my one more child... I had a job I loved- that paid well, I had a family, I had a best friend to come home & talk to every night- that loved me for me, I had friends outside of JayDe's friends. I had my own group of people that I could interact with daily. Even if my husband was emotionally checked out... I- in my own little world- was happy. The only thing missing for me was my last baby.

Now it's all I can do but look at my 'friends' on Facebook... All of them on their 3rd child... Married, owning homes, pushing the daily grind of work, school, mom, wife etc and I'm jealous. Wishing I had what they did. Hating the current state of my life and knowing the miserable cycle I'm on is spiraling down instead of moving forward.. Knowing the only way off is to get out. Throw myself to the wolves. I'm losing faith in myself.

Strange thing is, is that I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not hopeless. Discouraged maybe. Frustrated, absolutely. Just don't really care. Moving from hating it so much that I'm working as hard as I can to get out to just hating it and accepting that the good ole days are gone. But refusing to let myself give up & completely resolve to being fat, broke & alone.

Just unsure where I'm going to land when I throw myself off of the ride....