Its amazing to me how your wants in life change...
Growing up I was the nerdy girl that everyone made fun of. I was never in the popular crowd...The boys were always making jokes like "Reesa is pretty, pretty damn ugly" (thank you 5th grade first crush). The only thing I wanted in life was to grow up to be absolutely gorgeous. To be the Disney princess. To be the girl that walked through the door and made the whole room go silent. And if we're being honest, I couldn't wait to go on Jenny Jones and show all of those mean boys "Look at me now"!
What I wasn't aware of, however, is really how much of a burden physical attractiveness can be. I didn't realize that along with silencing a room, your every move is analyzed. Every breath of air you make in the wrong direction is scrutinized. Everyone is watching the things that you are doing and putting you down in a completely different way. Style of dress is never appropriate enough (its either too tight, too baggy, too frumpy, too bright, too low, too high, etc). When you try to tweak one quality slightly to meet everyones standards, there is a whole separate group ready and waiting to put you down. Sad how the insecurities of others are manifested through hate.
It also comes with the blessing of allowing you to appear completely superficial and totally dense. Like underneath the physical mask, there couldn't possibly be anything worthwhile to explore. Apparently when you're physically attractive, the only thing you're good for is meaningless sex or the late night booty call. You're the next conquest the guys want to brag about later on with their buddies. A pretty girl couldn't possibly have any real feelings or any real substance about her. Fucked and chucked.
After finally embracing and loving the person I am inside, and accepting the person I am outside, I apparently became an extremely intimidating person to be around. God forbid you have a smart; pretty girl that also happens to be really laid back, drama free and down to earth. It isn't possible to be beautiful and bad ass right? Wrong! Except now I find that most wont take the time to look past the pretty face. Most wont make an effort to discover who I am and what i'm about.
I finally learned to shed the mask... to stop hiding who I was, to stop trying to change myself to fit in. I learned how to simply be me 100% of the time. To stop caring what others thought- to allow myself to be completely real with myself and others every day.
So now the question is... how do i put the physical aspect on the back burner and stand out for the girl I am inside. the girl with so much more to offer...
Funny how my whole life all i wanted to be was beautiful... and now all i want to be is invisibly average.
Average you will never be... but if you really don't want to think about the beauty side of it, then spend your waking moments thinking about the other parts of who you are. Forget the mirror - look instead at your reflection in the face and in the eyes of those you love and those you serve.
ReplyDeleteDavid is right average you will never be but...but you smart and witty and brilliant. You are a wonderful friend, mother,sister & daughter. All you have to do is look deep inside at the person inside! The person inside is the person I see and the person I love.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the cover that count's but the story inside. Because we don't judge a book by the cover or the title because we are always surprised by the story we read.
You just found a way to put the beauty aside and let the girl inside shine bright. Take the physical appearance away. When writing you can be anyone or anything. I have always found solace in words. I can bend them and mend them so the say and do what I want. I am able to express myself more freely in words. Words are my weapon and my shield to hide behind. You are a beautiful woman and the reason an intelligent and beautiful woman attracts so much negative attention is because everyone wants to be her (you). most men see beautiful women as a conquest, it's built into our DNA, but the intelligent men want an intelligent woman. I know I was always terrified of beautiful women. Why would they want me when they have their choice of muscleheads?
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels being the ugly duckling, when i was little, my grandma raised me and she liked my hair short. I was always the girl with brown hair and the boys haircut and i had freckles, when all my friends had beautiful blond long hair. I always thought i was ugly and always felt ugly, then one day i looked in the mirror and thought... "hey i am not THAT ugly " so i stopped believing I was ugly. I am me and I have great qualities as well as not so great ones, I make the best of what i can be, although fashion and beauty are fun but we need to ask us, who are we when all that is stripped away? No make up no cool clothes no heels. What do we think of ourselves and it will shine through in our countenance, the beauty will shine through if we have love for others, the beauty will shine through if we do the right thing...... I know we all have seen beauty with Hollow eyes, we have seen Ugliness with hollow eyes too. Its important to take care of ourselves and feel comfortable in our skin but its enough to worry about it only a small amount of time in our day. And Reesa I am sure all you need to do is just to get out of bed brush your hair and you are pretty.... Anyway be aware of your beauty but dont think too much about it..... like you said, you are just you. Stay humble or become humble { I dont know you enough to know what you are} I do know, I like your personality you are bubbly and smart.....
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