Why I just don't Date

I was married to my best friend for 5.5 years. And today- he's still my best friend. We had a great friendship, which made for a pretty great marriage- and has also resulted in a really great post divorce situation. I don't have to go into the details of why it didn't work- part of it was simply being too young. I will say however, that we did absolutely everything in our power to keep our family together. There are no "what-if's" for either of us because we literally tried it all.

Point being- we were great friends, First!  

Five and a half years doesn't seem like much- and to some, seems like an eternity. I mean- holy shit! No one stays married that long anymore! But being married 3 months after you turned 20 and divorced 5.5 years later is huge in terms of emotional and mental maturity. 

What is more amazing to me, is how much the game changed from the time I was 20 to now being 27! 

I don't date because: I don't know how to anymore!

Romance and chivalry have all but vanished as the 20 and 30 something singles have moved on and become the hook up generation. We replace partners as often as we replace our phones/tvs/computers. The 'newer;better models' are always just a couple of weeks away. If something isn't quite "right" we'll find one that is. It's like comparing the pro's and cons of your iPhone vs your Android vs your Samsung galaxy- of partners! Gotta get the latest and greatest upgrade!

Technology killed the dating scene. 

Gone are the days of that awkward second or third date when the long awaited first kiss finally happened. The days of phone calls and dinners or God forbid awkward flirting. The all night conversations. Flowers. Poems. Him getting your door for you while you reach across and unlock his for him. 

I actually even miss the chafing resulting from a good; hard core make-out session in jeans, in the cab of a truck or around the poorly placed gear shifter, late night in the park or on a dirt road in the middle of the woods! 

Now- the average "relationship" lasts about 2 weeks. Hit it and Quit it... Emma Webster pretty accurately portrays the cycle here: 

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-two-week-relationship-the-predictable-fate-of-every-woman-on-the-dating-scene/

I challenge you to have an intelligent conversation with someone new! Talk a couple of times a week about life, dreams, views, interests, hobbies... get to know their story or at least their middle name before you go all raging hormones on them. I like to see how long it takes before the conversation is turned sexual. Helps me gauge how much effort or interest I'll put into an individual. Even more surprising to me is how quickly these single- and more often than not- taken men are prone to unzipping their pants and sending unrequested pictures of themselves. 

"Here I am!" 

I don't blame the men though. Not really... Sex is scientifically proven to be on the brain constantly for them. From 'Tug Tuesdays' to twerking to just plain throwing it all out there, we as women have allowed the standard to drop. Men don't have to work for the package- you unwrapped it for him... He probably doesn't even want the toy inside, just the box it came in. He'll play around with it for a bit- build a fort, stake his claim, conquer it and then be bored with it. Where does the box end up once the thrill is gone? 

The recycle bin... 

in the alley...

alone... 

Crumpled...crushed..

Bruised, beaten and broken...

Right next to yesterday's news..

And you gave him the prize before he took you out for a half-assed meal or at most afforded you a decent conversation! 

You got the dollar menu date! 

Its a shame. 

Coming back to the dating scene with the new norm being quick, dirty and disrespectful has made the effort to find a nanny or put on makeup and pants completely unappealing. The few dates I've been on were less than pleasant experiences. Ive received more random dick pictures than a urologist sees in a year (thanks snapchat). And I've been more violated, disrespected, used and put down in the last 2.5 years than I ever have before in my life! 

Only one person has given me the type of dating experience I missed...the butterflies, the conversation, the anticipated first kiss- without anything more... And I believe the only reason he was able to do so is the fact that he is considerably older. Like graduating high school when I entered kindergarten older... He's from a better generation. And I missed that experience so much- I freaked him out! Ha! 

With the sheer amount of easy options on social media, the lack of available gentlemen (that aren't old enough to be my father), and the abundance of 'perpetual friend-zone-we just have no chemistry or you aren't attractive and I'm shallow' men... I've simply become cynical to the game. I never was much for playing anyways... Ain't nobody got time for that! But now...Dating is no longer what it used to be. 

It's pointless. 

Besides missing having a best friend to come home to on occasion, I'm much happier staying committed to myself & holding myself in a higher regard, than adding myself to the half naked cesspool of singles. 

So...If you need me, I'll be on the couch w Ben and Jerry, watching an unrealistic; sappy Rom-Com and picturing my own hopeless-romantic fairytale of a man that no longer exists in this world. Because the reality is, if he does, he's gay or taken or old enough to be my father. 

#ForeverAlone #HappyThisWay

 

Alone v.s. Lonely

For the last year I've been fascinated by the seemingly pointless; never ending cycle of love and relationships. Finding it comical, almost pitiful at times, I've often asked myself "what is the point"?

We fall for someone and if we're lucky, they fall too... Then you move past the twitterpated stage and fall into step with each other where you either break up or get married. If you do stay together, you have to WORK to keep that love there. You have to fight daily to keep that spark alive or it dies and you break up. After the breakup we experience the stages of grief- sadness, anger, bargaining and acceptance. Sometimes staying in various stages for long term appointments... Then, when we're finally back on our feet with our heads on straight, feeling good while being alone, we start the cycle over again! Why?! What kind of sadistical torture is this that we continually yearn for the first, second and possibly the third stages of the cycle? Besides procreation and codependency, I couldn't put the pieces together.

Perfectly content with living my life as the strong; independent single mom- just taking the world on with my son. No time for any of the above non-sense! I'd been dating here and there... Who can turn down good conversation and free food? I mean come on! But truly looking at the whole game as a silly concept that I wanted no part of. I'd already been madly in love, fought for the relationship, given it CPR and rescue shocks so many times that there was truly nothing left to bring back to life, and finally pulled myself out of the grievance cycle to a healthy place where i was honestly happy! why on earth would I ever do that to myself again?

I learned the hard way that sometimes, we don't have a choice. He came into my life completely unexpectedly. I went into it with no intentions or desires further than free food and maybe some cute friends to take me fishing. He wasn't single or even an option in my mind! I'd been that girl for far too long, I'd never want to be the "other" girl that made someone feel the way I had my entire marriage! But there was something there... An unexplainable connection with someone I hardly knew and had only just met.

We talked and texted, physically hung out 3 times, never inappropriately- the third after he told her that he was done because whatever was there between us felt like it would be so much more fulfilling and real. After the third time, our first real date....Our first kiss....One of those can't eat, can't sleep; reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of moments. I suddenly felt like I hadn't ever lived before that.

And just like that, he was gone.

Naturally sorting out all of the aspects of your life after a long term relationship takes awhile.. They both had their own grievance processes to deal with... I could be patient. For the connection and for the way my heart felt, I would wait forever. In my mind, going back to life before he existed wasn't possible.

We spoke a couple of times after that- dying to see each other again... Just to even be in the same room together again... And then, after a few weeks the texts went unanswered, the emails, probably directed to the spam box. Not another word from him again.

Knocked off my feet, head over heels and then gone before I could even catch my breath!

So now I sit here- done contemplating all of the possible scenarios for such an unsettling ending, now I'm simply frustrated and angry.

Angry that he got in and had me so completely in the blink of an eye.

Angry that I fell so hard, so disgustingly quickly and once again found myself on my ass because no one was there to catch me.

Angry that he didn't respect me enough to say goodbye.

Angry and frustrated that I find myself still hung up on him even though I barely knew him! I'm not the girl that gets all dopey like this over guys! At least not that quickly or easily.

But now I ask myself why I feel so lonely!

I'm still perfectly happy with my life! Im content enjoying every adventure and exploring the world with my son! I certainly don't NEED anything or anyone... There wasn't even time to develop a codependency issue!

Yet, there's this emptiness, down to my soul that I can't explain.

I miss being excited about someone.

I miss feeling like my soul found its counterpart in another...

It never occurred to me that you didn't have to be alone to be lonely.