Alone v.s. Lonely

For the last year I've been fascinated by the seemingly pointless; never ending cycle of love and relationships. Finding it comical, almost pitiful at times, I've often asked myself "what is the point"?

We fall for someone and if we're lucky, they fall too... Then you move past the twitterpated stage and fall into step with each other where you either break up or get married. If you do stay together, you have to WORK to keep that love there. You have to fight daily to keep that spark alive or it dies and you break up. After the breakup we experience the stages of grief- sadness, anger, bargaining and acceptance. Sometimes staying in various stages for long term appointments... Then, when we're finally back on our feet with our heads on straight, feeling good while being alone, we start the cycle over again! Why?! What kind of sadistical torture is this that we continually yearn for the first, second and possibly the third stages of the cycle? Besides procreation and codependency, I couldn't put the pieces together.

Perfectly content with living my life as the strong; independent single mom- just taking the world on with my son. No time for any of the above non-sense! I'd been dating here and there... Who can turn down good conversation and free food? I mean come on! But truly looking at the whole game as a silly concept that I wanted no part of. I'd already been madly in love, fought for the relationship, given it CPR and rescue shocks so many times that there was truly nothing left to bring back to life, and finally pulled myself out of the grievance cycle to a healthy place where i was honestly happy! why on earth would I ever do that to myself again?

I learned the hard way that sometimes, we don't have a choice. He came into my life completely unexpectedly. I went into it with no intentions or desires further than free food and maybe some cute friends to take me fishing. He wasn't single or even an option in my mind! I'd been that girl for far too long, I'd never want to be the "other" girl that made someone feel the way I had my entire marriage! But there was something there... An unexplainable connection with someone I hardly knew and had only just met.

We talked and texted, physically hung out 3 times, never inappropriately- the third after he told her that he was done because whatever was there between us felt like it would be so much more fulfilling and real. After the third time, our first real date....Our first kiss....One of those can't eat, can't sleep; reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of moments. I suddenly felt like I hadn't ever lived before that.

And just like that, he was gone.

Naturally sorting out all of the aspects of your life after a long term relationship takes awhile.. They both had their own grievance processes to deal with... I could be patient. For the connection and for the way my heart felt, I would wait forever. In my mind, going back to life before he existed wasn't possible.

We spoke a couple of times after that- dying to see each other again... Just to even be in the same room together again... And then, after a few weeks the texts went unanswered, the emails, probably directed to the spam box. Not another word from him again.

Knocked off my feet, head over heels and then gone before I could even catch my breath!

So now I sit here- done contemplating all of the possible scenarios for such an unsettling ending, now I'm simply frustrated and angry.

Angry that he got in and had me so completely in the blink of an eye.

Angry that I fell so hard, so disgustingly quickly and once again found myself on my ass because no one was there to catch me.

Angry that he didn't respect me enough to say goodbye.

Angry and frustrated that I find myself still hung up on him even though I barely knew him! I'm not the girl that gets all dopey like this over guys! At least not that quickly or easily.

But now I ask myself why I feel so lonely!

I'm still perfectly happy with my life! Im content enjoying every adventure and exploring the world with my son! I certainly don't NEED anything or anyone... There wasn't even time to develop a codependency issue!

Yet, there's this emptiness, down to my soul that I can't explain.

I miss being excited about someone.

I miss feeling like my soul found its counterpart in another...

It never occurred to me that you didn't have to be alone to be lonely.