Masterpiece

The girl you see today is just a rough draft of the masterpiece to come. A portion, a version of the magnificent finished product that has yet to enter this world.

We are all products of our environment... Of our upbringing. Our families play a vital role in defining those boundaries and characteristics. Most often we are content in this arena- happy in the class we are raised in. Rarely however, one or two will want more.

Moving up from a lower class is similar to traveling to a new country. Social norms and appropriate boundaries all have different definitions. The things you are comfortable with; the things you are used to; the things in your family and way of life that would be viewed as innocent and probably funny are ultimately insulting and regarded as distasteful as you navigate newer surroundings.

It's easy to unintentionally offend someone when you allow your white trash upbringing to show through as you move forward without a mask. Those who love you will stand by your side... Encouraging you to learn and grow. The rest will abandon you with your efforts, forever looking down on you; condescendingly as the pitiful embarrassment you are.

just because you're holding the flash light and helping me to navigate unfamiliar territory doesn't mean you're changing me. Doesn't mean you're trying to turn me into someone I'm not... On the contrary. You're helping to mold me. Helping to shape and nurture and grow me into the full potential that's buried underneath the landfill.

Flowers will grow through cracks in the concrete... Trees will bend around obstacles in their way to reach the sun. Just because the road is hard and the path seems impossible doesn't mean that The journey is a lost cause. It doesn't mean Im doomed to remain unworthy or low class... Im still here...Allowing each artists hands to make their mark... To add their skill and experience to the page. I'm still a masterpiece... Just waiting for the world to realize the train wreck was always a beautiful work of art.

Loneliness

It's a lonely little world I live in. No wonder im so unhappy. I have no friends. At home I'm seen as incompetent. My son has no boundaries & no respect. I can't talk to my grandparents about anything.. At work, I'm alone in a gray cubicle. Very little social interaction- no human connection- no friends... Just a job I don't care to do, in a place I don't care to be, with a paycheck far less than I'm worth. I have to give so much effort to complete the tasks that I do. It's taking 5x the effort for 1/2 the production.... I'm not happy. I'm alone at home, I'm alone at work, I'm alone outside of both of those places and I'm watching myself shut down. Not caring. Not wanting to work. Getting fat. Not caring about that either. Reflecting back on last summer.. When I was happy. When I was productive. When I had everything I wanted- or at least I wanted to believe I did. When the only thing missing was my one more child... I had a job I loved- that paid well, I had a family, I had a best friend to come home & talk to every night- that loved me for me, I had friends outside of JayDe's friends. I had my own group of people that I could interact with daily. Even if my husband was emotionally checked out... I- in my own little world- was happy. The only thing missing for me was my last baby.

Now it's all I can do but look at my 'friends' on Facebook... All of them on their 3rd child... Married, owning homes, pushing the daily grind of work, school, mom, wife etc and I'm jealous. Wishing I had what they did. Hating the current state of my life and knowing the miserable cycle I'm on is spiraling down instead of moving forward.. Knowing the only way off is to get out. Throw myself to the wolves. I'm losing faith in myself.

Strange thing is, is that I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not hopeless. Discouraged maybe. Frustrated, absolutely. Just don't really care. Moving from hating it so much that I'm working as hard as I can to get out to just hating it and accepting that the good ole days are gone. But refusing to let myself give up & completely resolve to being fat, broke & alone.

Just unsure where I'm going to land when I throw myself off of the ride....

Rejection

Rejection. It's a different emotion. Can be taken out of context, viewed from the wrong perception... Stemming from insecurity. I don't know why it bothers me so badly that after giving and fighting and loving and trying with everything I had to keep my family together and make my marriage work, after finally standing up for myself & jaiden and saying no more, that everyone has turned their backs on me. I'm the bad guy. And all I did was give 150% to everyone else... Nothing to myself. Loneliness is terrible. Knowing that all of your friends really are his- and always will be. Even though they are around & say 'hey' occasionally... I'll always just be "the ex". Like its some kind of disease. Being shunned for standing up for myself after years of putting him and our son first. I wonder if they know I can see the pity in their eyes when they look at me.

It's crazy how the truly ruthless bitches always come out on top. The manipulative whores that make everyone else's lives hell, ultimately retain control. Laura constantly dangled Dylan in front of Becky, was always malicious & only thinking about herself. I simply stated that jaiden wanted to spend time with her and i was frustrated that he was never included. Yet here we are- I'm the bad guy. His parents have disowned jaiden and I while adopting her son as their own grandchild. They've long since forgotten about me and undoubtedly adore Shaina.

Laura couldn't stand me because she couldn't control me & I stopped allowing her to control JayDe. I wouldn't allow her to walk all over my family. But you bet your ass she loves shaina. They have the same personality traits.

I think his grandmothers comment stung the worst. She commented on a picture of the 2 of them and said "your girlfriend is so pretty, I'm so proud of you!" proud of what? The fact that he abandoned his "not pretty"; hard working wife and child to go party, do drugs and be single? Proud that he neglected his responsibilities as a father and commitments as a husband? Proud that he is now dating an underage princess he can party with that has never had to work for anything?

Even his friends that stood by me in the beginning... Inviting jaiden and I places... Have stopped. They invite JayDe and Shaina instead. It's so ridiculous that I almost feel betrayed by them for it. But it's like accepting her and dropping me, validates what he did and that it's ok. They're his friends! Of course they are going to stick by him- whether they agree with his actions or not!! I wouldn't expect any less!!

I'm just the ex.

Unfriended by Shaina on Facebook. Still blocked by him as well. Says a lot more than words ever could.. Makes me wonder who he doesn't want knowing how good of friends we still are. Makes me wonder how badly he trashed me for ending the marriage I fought for.

It's a lonely world; rejection.

Underneath It All

Its amazing to me how your wants in life change... 

Growing up I was the nerdy girl that everyone made fun of. I was never in the popular crowd...The boys were always making jokes like "Reesa is pretty, pretty damn ugly" (thank you 5th grade first crush). The only thing I wanted in life was to grow up to be absolutely gorgeous. To be the Disney princess. To be the girl that walked through the door and made the whole room go silent. And if we're being honest, I couldn't wait to go on Jenny Jones and show all of those mean boys "Look at me now"!

What I wasn't aware of, however, is really how much of a burden physical attractiveness can be. I didn't realize that along with silencing a room, your every move is analyzed. Every breath of air you make in the wrong direction is scrutinized. Everyone is watching the things that you are doing and putting you down in a completely different way. Style of dress is never appropriate enough (its either too tight, too baggy, too frumpy, too bright, too low, too high, etc). When you try to tweak one quality slightly to meet everyones standards, there is a whole separate group ready and waiting to put you down. Sad how the insecurities of others are manifested through hate.

It also comes with the blessing of allowing you to appear completely superficial and totally dense. Like underneath the physical mask, there couldn't possibly be anything worthwhile to explore. Apparently when you're physically attractive, the only thing you're good for is meaningless sex or the late night booty call. You're the next conquest the guys want to brag about later on with their buddies. A pretty girl couldn't possibly have any real feelings or any real substance about her. Fucked and chucked.

After finally embracing and loving the person I am inside, and accepting the person I am outside, I apparently became an extremely intimidating person to be around. God forbid you have a smart; pretty girl that also happens to be really laid back, drama free and down to earth. It isn't possible to be beautiful and bad ass right? Wrong! Except now I find that most wont take the time to look past the pretty face. Most wont make an effort to discover who I am and what i'm about.

I finally learned to shed the mask... to stop hiding who I was, to stop trying to change myself to fit in. I learned how to simply be me 100% of the time. To stop caring what others thought- to allow myself to be completely real with myself and others every day.

So now the question is... how do i put the physical aspect on the back burner and stand out for the girl I am inside. the girl with so much more to offer...

Funny how my whole life all i wanted to be was beautiful... and now all i want to be is invisibly average.

Love. One. Another.

For most of my life i've struggled with the self righteous judgments from everyone around me. Constantly being judged while trying to find myself. First for being ugly- obnoxious- nerdy- not dressing right or acting right, to dressing more provocatively- trying to get attention for the wrong reasons. Needing to feel attractive by dressing in short skirts and skimpy shirts. Praying that one day i would be beautiful. Obviously not fitting in with any of the girls in church- but more-so knowing that i was honestly despised and disliked by all of them. Knowing the smiles and activity invitations were fake and part of an obligation. Always searching for a way to "fit-in" somewhere but never quite reaching those standards.

I remember questioning religious beliefs that i'd grown up hearing... attending church with other friends- needing to find the answers for myself. Listening to the closed off views and double standards that existed in each community based on looks, attitude, background etc. Having friends that were gay, poor, non-religious, those that liked to drink and do drugs, and all things forbidden by the righteous standards set forth by the organizations. Never understanding how the logic that different means they're no good.

Correct me if i'm wrong but Jesus taught to Love one Another, Love they neighbor as thyself and to let he without sin cast the first stone.

Buddha taught that "Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule." And that "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else' you are the one who gets burned."

Krishna and Rama from Hinduism preached that we should never "get angry or harm any living creature, but be compassionate and gentle; show good will to all." and that "Love means giving selflessly, excluding none and including all"

According to Muslims, Muhammad taught that "A true Muslim is the one who does not defame or abuse others; but the truly righteous become a refuge for humankind, their lives and their properties." And asked his followers "Do you love your creator? Love your fellow-beings first."

In Judaism, their scriptures teach a couple remarkable things. First, “Love your neighbor like yourself.” Second, “Examine the contents, not the bottle.”

The greatest spiritual leaders in history have all preached love for others as the basis for all happiness, and never did they accompany such mandates with a list of unlovable actions or deeds. They never said, love everybody exceptfor the gays. Love everybody except for the homeless. Love everybody except for the drug users. Love everybody except for the gang members, or those covered in ink, or the spouse abusers. They didn’t tell us it was okay to love everybody with the exception of the “trailer trash,” those living in poverty, or the illegal immigrants. There was never any fine print attached to those commandments.

Simply Love others.

Period.

Why is it that sometimes the most Christlike people are they who have no religion at all?

I have known a lot of people in my life, and I can tell you this… Some of the ones who understood love better than anyone else were those who the rest of the world had long before measured as lost or gone. Some of the people who were able to look at the dirtiest, the poorest, the gays, the straights, the drug users, those in recovery, the basest of sinners, and those who were just… plain… different…

They were able to look at them all and only see strength. Beauty. Potential. Hope.

Isn’t that what love actually is?

Don’t get me wrong. I know a lot of incredible Christians, too. I know some incredible Buddhists and Muslims and Hindus and Jews. I know a lot of amazing people, devout in their various religions, who truly love the people around them. I also know some atheist, agnostic, or religionless people who are absolutely hateful of believers. They loathe their religious counterparts. They love only those who believe (or don’t believe) the same things they do.

In truth, having a religion doesn’t make a person love or not love others. It doesn’t make a person accept or not accept others. It doesn’t make a person befriend or not befriend others. Being without a religion doesn’t make somebody do or be any of that either. No, what makes somebody love, accept, and befriend their fellow man is letting go of a need to be better than others.

Nothing else.

I know there are many here who believe that living a homosexual life is a sin, an unnatural abomination in the eyes of God.

Okay.

First: what does that have to do with love?  And Second: Are you God? Because if you're not then you aren't delegated to make that judgement.

Come on. Don’t we understand? Don’t we get it? To put our arm around someone who is gay, someone who has an addiction, somebody who lives a different lifestyle, someone who is not what WE think they should be… doing that has nothing to do with enabling them or accepting what they do as okay by us. It has nothing to do with encouraging them in their practice of what you or I might feel or believe is wrong vs right. It has everything to do with being a good human being. A good person. A good friend.

That’s all.

I’m not here to say homosexuality is a sin or isn’t a sin. To be honest, I. DONT. CARE. I’m not here to debate whether or not it’s natural or genetic. Again, I… don’t… care. Those debates hold no encumbrance for me. If you're a good person- if you love others and treat people with respect... you're alright in my book.

I do however care about this incessent need some of us have to declare ourselves right and “perfect” all the freaking time and any chance we have. But guess what- There are things we all do or believe that other people consider “sinful.” There are things we all do or believe that other people consider “wrong.” There are things we all do or believe that other people would be disgusted or angered by.

“Yes, but I have the truth!” most people will adamantly declare.

Okay.

Whether you do or not… show it with your actions...show it with your deeds- not with your preaching and 'holier than thou' judgmental, condescending words. Not with your looks of disapproval or disgust.

Live the doctrine you cherish, don't preach it.

And just Love. One. Another.

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is always about food, football & mass texts regarding the 2.

After so many struggles this last year I've been able to take a step back. Deciding that instead of celebrating Thanksgiving for the binge eating and pig skin tossing over indulging tradition that it has become- I was simply going to give thanks.

Instead of sending hallow mass "Happy Thanksgiving" texts to every person in my phone like the 30 i'd received... I began going through my contacts and thinking about who has been influential this past year and why i'm grateful for them in my life. So often we keep our gratitude for our friends, family and aquaintances stored inside our minds and they never hear how much the little things they've done have made a difference.

There are always those stories where a smile, a hug or simply a hello have completely changed the course of an individuals life. Prevented a suicide... given hope... etc. so why do we keep our appreciation to ourselves? Dont we all like to receive acknowledgment and compliments? Not that we do the things we do for praise... but occasionally- its nice to hear that someone notices. :)

There were 10 people out of the 350+ contacts that received a special- individual message about how they have improved my life, how grateful i am and how much i appreciate being blessed with their presence in my life- whether its for a reason, a season or those that will be there for a lifetime.

Taking the time to truly stop and think about each person and their individual impact and to let them know how amazing they are was an incredible experience. Adding substance behind the holiday text fills your soul and makes the belly that much smaller ;)

What in Gay-Hell?!!!!

As an individual that only judges people based on their character (and more often than not- their physical attributes) I have many friends from all walks of life.


My favorite friends are my gay boys!


All through high school I watched as they were judged, mistreated and teased. Listened to my authority figures talk about God and how homosexuality is unnatural and an abomination before God- to which I always replied:

"Are you God? No? Ok then, its NOT your place to judge."

Oh how my daddy loved that comment! ;) But its a good point. Its so sad to watch our neighbors and friends who are genuinely all around good people and respected members of the community and religious congregations until they come out as gay. Then suddenly they end up marked with the scarlet letter branded into their foreheads. I could never understand how people's opinions change so quickly about a person after finding out their sexual preference went against the norm. The person themselves didn't change... other than they may have felt mildly more liberated after letting out one of the deepest secrets of their life!


As i've continually stood up for my friends the self-righteous and judgmental members of my community would quote me 2 scriptures:

^{Leviticus 18:22:" (22)} Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Leviticus 20:13: "(13) If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

I even had a former bishop tell me once that as a culture and as a church of God, "we are becoming too tolerant and too accepting of the gay lifestyle." I'm sorry, but when as a human race are we ever TOO tolerant and accepting of anyone? Especially in an organization that preaches acceptance, love one another, thou shalt not judge and so on and so forth. Christ himself was constantly seen with the lepers, the rejects and the sinners- without casting judgement or doubt, he loved each and everyone of them completely, no questions asked- so why is it a double standard for us when we're taught from a young age to try to be like Jesus.


One of my favorite songs growing up in church was this:

"I'm trying to be like Jesus;

I'm following in his ways.

I'm trying to love as he did,

In all that i do and say.

At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,

But i try to listen as the still small voice whispers:

Love one another as Jesus loves you

Try to show kindness in all that you do

Be gently and loving in deed and in thought

For these are the things Jesus taught.

I'm trying to love my neighbor

I'm learning to serve my friends

I watch for the day of gladness

When Jesus will come again

I try to remember the lessons he taught

Then the Holy Spirit enters my thoughts, saying:

Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought

For these are the things Jesus taught."

Its a sad day when your faith, spirituality and trust in the members and leaders of religion start becoming questioned in your mind because of the contrasting principles found throughout the scriptures and talks. 

'Leviticus 18:29-- says regarding all offenders: "Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people"

Yet both Matthew and John say something else entirely:

John 13:34- " (34)A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

Mathew 22:37-39- "(37)Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. (38)This is the first and great commandment. (39)And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

I personally prefer the last 2... be a good person, dont rape or kill or steal... work hard and dont live off of my taxes... dont cheat... and we'll get along fine, no matter if you believe in God, dont believe in God, are LGTBQQI, straight, rich, poor, whatever.

While going through my sexual assault counseling training we covered this very topic. My very favorite exercise is included below. This questionnaire written by Martin Rochmlin, Ph.D ©1972 was asked to each of us individually and puts the entire gay and lesbian lifestyle into a better perspective.

Read each question asked incessantly to the gay members of our community and consider how asinine each inquiry really is when switched around to fit the 'norm' lifestyle:

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

10. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

11. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

12. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be

inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

13. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality

incompatible with military service?

14. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?

15. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep

quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?

16. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

I hope you enjoyed that little exercise!

Xo

-Reesa