I'm Happy

I'm happy.

My entire life, I've been depressed. My mom tells me that I wanted to kill myself starting at age 5. I've always felt like I was walking through sludge. 

There were times I was happy, of course! It wasn't all bleak and sad... But if you ask anyone that's ever known me, they'd tell you it's just how I was. 

The first time I ever felt differently was when I moved to the east coast. I lived in Virginia and North Carolina. I was only in NC for a month, but there was something about it that felt different. Once I moved away, everything in me wanted to go back! It's all I ever really talked about. 

It wasn't until I've gotten older and more in tune with energy balances that I realized what it really was. 

I moved back to Utah for a boy, got my heart broken. Met someone else, got married and divorced, and still struggled with always being down. Always underlyingly depressed.  It's easy to put on a mask. To hide how we're really feeling inside. People do it every day. No one wants to hang around someone that's gloomy and negative- so I faked it. But deep down there was always that feeling of sludge running through my veins. Simple things like getting out of bed and getting ready we're challenging. It took a lot of emotional energy to force myself to do it. 

After my divorce I met a friend that lived in Seattle. I started flying out every other weekend, because I felt different there. My situation hadn't changed, but the energy of the place was magical. I started noticing an internal shift every time I'd fly back. Most people associate it with the situation, but I knew it wasn't. For the first time since North Carolina, I felt alive. No more sludge. That's when I started really looking at it. Really paying attention to my energy. 

I moved to Seattle, and I haven't been depressed since. 

Don't get me wrong... I have struggled more than I ever have my entire life! My family and everyone I knew was 900 miles away. Finding a permanent job has been a nightmare. Contract and travel nursing can only do so much... My son and I moved here with essentially what could fit in my car. I slept on the floor for 4 months. Then an air bed, a futon and finally a real bed. Slowly acquired "stuff". And subsequently lost it all. Ended up homeless.... But never did I FEEL depressed. Not once did I have the urge or the desire to end it all and stop fighting. I was still genuinely, undeniably happy. 

Started getting back on our feet, and the rug has been pulled out again. Back to square one. Or zero. Or negative one.  On the verge of losing everything again for a second time. No job. My tax return that would've paid rent through the end of my lease was garnished by a school loan company, (thanks UHEAA). My landlords are impatient but the property managers are trying to delay things as much as they possibly can... but it's really out of their control. 

I'm overwhelmed. I feel lost and scared and defeated. 

Because damnit, I work hard! I'm a fighter and do what it takes to make sure my son and I are ok! 

I've never been able to get government assistance- so those that abuse the system absolutely blow my mind. Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe I'm too motivated to succeed. Maybe I'm just too white. Putting down my pride and admitting I even needed the help was hard enough. Being turned away is frustrating. I don't want it, I NEED it. This is just Maslow shit... Not cigarettes and soda!

Instead of being encouraging though, all anyone ever says is that I should give up. Go back and live with my family "until I get on my feet" then move back. 

News flash: I wasn't on my feet while I was there! In fact, I was spiraling so far down that if I didn't get out when I did, I wouldn't be here writing this today. 

Literally. 

The difference between there and here is how I feel. 

Why would anyone want to be in a toxic environment that makes them feel so sick and sad and suicidal every day??! 

I love Utah. I love the culture, the people, parts of the landscape. I can appreciate it for what it is. All I know is that the latitude and longitudinal placement of it absolutely drains me. Having help with Jaiden is the only plus of going there. I'd rather eat a bullet than go back. 

I've tried to explain it to some people. Why moving back there isn't an option for me... But unless you've felt that difference, no one will ever understand it. I don't even understand it, I just know that I'm happy and I'd prefer to remain happy. Even if that means losing everything and struggling and being homeless and broke. 

I'm happy. 

So if you really love me and want to support me, do it. Support me in being selfish enough to take care of my emotional stability and well being. Encourage me to continue fighting, not to give up and run away. Respect me enough to try and understand that I don't EVER want to feel the way I have 95% of my life again... And for whatever reason, that's how I feel there and that's NOT how I feel here. 

I'm happy. 

Strength & Worth

Sometimes, all it takes is a moment to realize how much value you bring to the world. A simple post, a photograph, one word and all of the sudden you see- those that hurt you are missing out on so much! The loneliness, low self esteem and confusion dissipate and your eyes are opened once again to how great you really are! It's easy to forget when you're slapped in the face & can't see straight.

There has to be hurt and pain in order to find your true strength. If you aren't pushed past those limits, you'll never grow. You'll never evolve. There have to be storms and rain to nourish the beauty around us and help us to appreciate the sunny days. How boring it would be if every day was perfect!

Today I realized my worth once again, found my strength to push past the unsettling; disrespectful challenge my heart was confronted with, and am ready to take on the next battle with a smile on my face.

Someday ill find my happily ever after with some really lucky man... But until then- I love my happily ever now!

Alone v.s. Lonely

For the last year I've been fascinated by the seemingly pointless; never ending cycle of love and relationships. Finding it comical, almost pitiful at times, I've often asked myself "what is the point"?

We fall for someone and if we're lucky, they fall too... Then you move past the twitterpated stage and fall into step with each other where you either break up or get married. If you do stay together, you have to WORK to keep that love there. You have to fight daily to keep that spark alive or it dies and you break up. After the breakup we experience the stages of grief- sadness, anger, bargaining and acceptance. Sometimes staying in various stages for long term appointments... Then, when we're finally back on our feet with our heads on straight, feeling good while being alone, we start the cycle over again! Why?! What kind of sadistical torture is this that we continually yearn for the first, second and possibly the third stages of the cycle? Besides procreation and codependency, I couldn't put the pieces together.

Perfectly content with living my life as the strong; independent single mom- just taking the world on with my son. No time for any of the above non-sense! I'd been dating here and there... Who can turn down good conversation and free food? I mean come on! But truly looking at the whole game as a silly concept that I wanted no part of. I'd already been madly in love, fought for the relationship, given it CPR and rescue shocks so many times that there was truly nothing left to bring back to life, and finally pulled myself out of the grievance cycle to a healthy place where i was honestly happy! why on earth would I ever do that to myself again?

I learned the hard way that sometimes, we don't have a choice. He came into my life completely unexpectedly. I went into it with no intentions or desires further than free food and maybe some cute friends to take me fishing. He wasn't single or even an option in my mind! I'd been that girl for far too long, I'd never want to be the "other" girl that made someone feel the way I had my entire marriage! But there was something there... An unexplainable connection with someone I hardly knew and had only just met.

We talked and texted, physically hung out 3 times, never inappropriately- the third after he told her that he was done because whatever was there between us felt like it would be so much more fulfilling and real. After the third time, our first real date....Our first kiss....One of those can't eat, can't sleep; reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of moments. I suddenly felt like I hadn't ever lived before that.

And just like that, he was gone.

Naturally sorting out all of the aspects of your life after a long term relationship takes awhile.. They both had their own grievance processes to deal with... I could be patient. For the connection and for the way my heart felt, I would wait forever. In my mind, going back to life before he existed wasn't possible.

We spoke a couple of times after that- dying to see each other again... Just to even be in the same room together again... And then, after a few weeks the texts went unanswered, the emails, probably directed to the spam box. Not another word from him again.

Knocked off my feet, head over heels and then gone before I could even catch my breath!

So now I sit here- done contemplating all of the possible scenarios for such an unsettling ending, now I'm simply frustrated and angry.

Angry that he got in and had me so completely in the blink of an eye.

Angry that I fell so hard, so disgustingly quickly and once again found myself on my ass because no one was there to catch me.

Angry that he didn't respect me enough to say goodbye.

Angry and frustrated that I find myself still hung up on him even though I barely knew him! I'm not the girl that gets all dopey like this over guys! At least not that quickly or easily.

But now I ask myself why I feel so lonely!

I'm still perfectly happy with my life! Im content enjoying every adventure and exploring the world with my son! I certainly don't NEED anything or anyone... There wasn't even time to develop a codependency issue!

Yet, there's this emptiness, down to my soul that I can't explain.

I miss being excited about someone.

I miss feeling like my soul found its counterpart in another...

It never occurred to me that you didn't have to be alone to be lonely.

Dead For A Day

When i was younger I remember writing a lot of poetry to help cope with different things I was going through growing up. In one particular bad phase of life I wrote the beginning of a poem that went something like this:

"Sometimes I wonder

What it'd be like to die

To lay in a casket

And watch everyone cry

Sometimes I wonder

Who would be there

Who would pay their respects

Who really would care....."

I never wrote anything beyond that... I could never finish it

Yesterday, I lost one of my best friends

her husband lost his wife

her daughters lost their mom

and everyone she's touched has lost a light...

to suicide.

For as long as i've known her, She's been depressed. She'd been so sick for so long... none of us really took her threats seriously anymore- All we could do was listen, tell her everything was going to be alright and help her pull through it. None of us ever thought she'd be gone.

But she is.

She gave up.

After the initial shock wore off and the facebook posts began flowing in, all I could think was "I wish she could see this!!!"

For so long she felt unloved, unappreciated and completely alone. That no one acknowledged her efforts and, at the end of the day, that no one cared.

Then i thought- what a great, but completely fucked up, suicidal ideation treatment!

What if, for just one day, we were dead to the world? That rumor had it we were gone... That Our friends and our family- close and long lost- all came out of the woodwork and expressed their truest; deepest feelings? Sharing stories of ways we inspired them, ways we touched their lives, things they always admired, memories they'll always cherish.

How sad it is to think we hold onto these thoughts and  keep them to ourselves! How many unnecessarily lost lives may be saved if they knew the things we never say? What if all it took was that single message- that said, "i appreciate you, my life is forever changed/blessed/better because of you... and even if we never speak again... I'll always care about you."?

So as everyone begins making your New Years resolutions that you'll statistically fail miserably in the next 6 weeks... take a good look at your friends lists. Take 2 minutes to say a quick hello, share a thought, a memory or simply something you appreciate or admire about that person.... You never know what they're feeling... whats going on in their lives... or if the next morning they'll be gone.

Cherish life.

Happy New Year Everyone!

The UniGodiVerse

As most of you know, i've been struggling with 'faith' lately. Or- the belief in God in general. My whole life i questioned religion, never God- until I actually started reading the Bible (KJV- cover to cover.)

Its been an interesting adventure setting sail with no anchor to speak of. Opening my mind to other possibilites- learning from friends who have very different beliefs.

An interesting thought was posted on my facebook page recently with the question:

"What if you found out that the sun that warms us is the heart of a being... the planets were its organs... and we are the cells that make it possible?"

While sitting in church this last sunday I began to expound on this thought...

Science has proven that the Earth revolves around the Sun. Religion believes that our foundation- our very existence and purpose for life is for and by Jesus Christ- the son.

What if they were one and the same? If somewhere along the lines of translation someone changed the U to an O and personified the Sun of God to be the Son of God? That "God" itself/himself/herself really was someones interpretation of the universe- a way to mindfully grasp the sheer magnitude of something far too great to understand. Imagining a God as a human being such as ourselves is far easier to wrap our heads around than attempting to comprehend an all powerful; unforseen energy that created us from nothing with such biological perfection to intertwine us with everything around us for survival.

What if faith, the laws of attraction, the force, the energy we feel are really just our own individual ways of connecting with the Uni-God-iverse?

While sitting in church pondering these thoughts on Sunday, the teacher used very interesting wording in her lesson. she said, "Some people connect to their God through prayer, personally I connect to my God through song." It struck me that here we were as a congregation- all there for the 'same' purpose- purportedly believing in the same thing- yet we each connect to "our God" in different ways. Why is it that we as a religion all have our own God- not just connecting to "God"?

The scriptures, that so many people base their beliefs on, are really just compilations of journals and stories written by other people based on their own interpretation of experiences- a history book from one person's point of view as they lived it; as they saw it.. Think about how a simple translational mistake like writing a U as an O completely changes the way we perceive it today!

What if God really is just a personified explanation of the Universe?

What if we, as individuals, are all right? That we are all discovering and holding different pieces of the same puzzle...The Atheists and the Theists, Science and religion... both are simply looking at the same thing with different eyes.

Just as with science and research- some people are further along in their quest for knowledge than others.

Some people are satisfied with the simple answer: the one that shows ignorance is bliss- the answer that makes something as astronomical as a Universal coincidence, vibrating at a specific level and creating a perfect molecular harmony for us to evolve and survive as living beings, too complex to grasp- so they personify it as a human-shaped "God" and leave it at that.

Others want to understand more. This is how science and technology have evolved into what it is today- if we were all satisfied with the simple answer we's still be afraid of falling off the end of the earth, we wouldn't have electricity or telephones or any of the first world problems we enjoy, we would all just be content hunting and gathering in mud huts and loin clothes! So some people started with a foundational knowledge of a God, built on the foundations and moved on to search for higher knowledge and meaning.

Both groups however recognize that there is a force greater than us- that in the larger view- we are so indispensably small and insignificant. We're just the cells pumping the blood, delivering nutrients, fighting infection, carrying and oxygen to something/for something far greater than we'll ever be and more complicated for us to understand.

So God-Allah-Buddha-Jesus-Darwin! Can't we all just get along?! ;)

Masterpiece

The girl you see today is just a rough draft of the masterpiece to come. A portion, a version of the magnificent finished product that has yet to enter this world.

We are all products of our environment... Of our upbringing. Our families play a vital role in defining those boundaries and characteristics. Most often we are content in this arena- happy in the class we are raised in. Rarely however, one or two will want more.

Moving up from a lower class is similar to traveling to a new country. Social norms and appropriate boundaries all have different definitions. The things you are comfortable with; the things you are used to; the things in your family and way of life that would be viewed as innocent and probably funny are ultimately insulting and regarded as distasteful as you navigate newer surroundings.

It's easy to unintentionally offend someone when you allow your white trash upbringing to show through as you move forward without a mask. Those who love you will stand by your side... Encouraging you to learn and grow. The rest will abandon you with your efforts, forever looking down on you; condescendingly as the pitiful embarrassment you are.

just because you're holding the flash light and helping me to navigate unfamiliar territory doesn't mean you're changing me. Doesn't mean you're trying to turn me into someone I'm not... On the contrary. You're helping to mold me. Helping to shape and nurture and grow me into the full potential that's buried underneath the landfill.

Flowers will grow through cracks in the concrete... Trees will bend around obstacles in their way to reach the sun. Just because the road is hard and the path seems impossible doesn't mean that The journey is a lost cause. It doesn't mean Im doomed to remain unworthy or low class... Im still here...Allowing each artists hands to make their mark... To add their skill and experience to the page. I'm still a masterpiece... Just waiting for the world to realize the train wreck was always a beautiful work of art.

Loneliness

It's a lonely little world I live in. No wonder im so unhappy. I have no friends. At home I'm seen as incompetent. My son has no boundaries & no respect. I can't talk to my grandparents about anything.. At work, I'm alone in a gray cubicle. Very little social interaction- no human connection- no friends... Just a job I don't care to do, in a place I don't care to be, with a paycheck far less than I'm worth. I have to give so much effort to complete the tasks that I do. It's taking 5x the effort for 1/2 the production.... I'm not happy. I'm alone at home, I'm alone at work, I'm alone outside of both of those places and I'm watching myself shut down. Not caring. Not wanting to work. Getting fat. Not caring about that either. Reflecting back on last summer.. When I was happy. When I was productive. When I had everything I wanted- or at least I wanted to believe I did. When the only thing missing was my one more child... I had a job I loved- that paid well, I had a family, I had a best friend to come home & talk to every night- that loved me for me, I had friends outside of JayDe's friends. I had my own group of people that I could interact with daily. Even if my husband was emotionally checked out... I- in my own little world- was happy. The only thing missing for me was my last baby.

Now it's all I can do but look at my 'friends' on Facebook... All of them on their 3rd child... Married, owning homes, pushing the daily grind of work, school, mom, wife etc and I'm jealous. Wishing I had what they did. Hating the current state of my life and knowing the miserable cycle I'm on is spiraling down instead of moving forward.. Knowing the only way off is to get out. Throw myself to the wolves. I'm losing faith in myself.

Strange thing is, is that I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad. I'm not hopeless. Discouraged maybe. Frustrated, absolutely. Just don't really care. Moving from hating it so much that I'm working as hard as I can to get out to just hating it and accepting that the good ole days are gone. But refusing to let myself give up & completely resolve to being fat, broke & alone.

Just unsure where I'm going to land when I throw myself off of the ride....